A man goes to the doctor's to get the results of some tests done earlier that week (his wife accompanies him). Before they sit down, the doctor asks the husband if he could speak to his wife alone for a moment - the husband agrees and leaves the room.

"Well, what is it?", she frantically asks. "The diagnosis is not good!" the doctor replies sadly, "he will most likely die in 6 months - unless...". "Yes?!? What?!? I'll do anything I can!". "Well", said the doctor "for one, we need to bring his stress and blood pressure down - this would easily be accomplished if he didn't have to worry about any of the house or yard work. Try bringing his meals to him in bed or on the couch. Make sure he's constantly relaxed - periodic massages would help and be sure to make yourself available to him in the bedroom whenever he feels like it. With your help, your husband should recover fully by next year!"

Later on the drive home, the husband asks: "So, what did the doctor say to you?" "You're gonna die in 6 months!".

While walking down the street one day a U.S. Senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, the Senator is escorted to the elevator by St. Peter goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and the Senator is in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all the Senator's friends and political colleagues. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet the Senator, shake hands, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives the Senator a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting.

"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and soon the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So the Senator is escorted to the elevator by St. Peter goes down, down, down to hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open and the Senator is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. The Senator's friends are now dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over and puts his arm around the Senator's shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at the Senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Moses swings and hits a hole in one.

Jesus swings and hits a hole in one.

The old man swings, the ball flies high up in the air and is caught by a Golden Eagle. It's flown a few miles before being dropped in a volcano. The volcano burps and the golf ball flies back to the course and lands for a hole in one.

Jesus looks at the old man and says "Pop, would you quit screwing around and just play the game?"

A guy is sitting at a bar by himself watching a group of men speaking in sign.

Suddenly all of them begin signing furiously at once.  The bartender walks over, points at each one, and given't them the "out the door"sign.

The guy at the bar says "what's the problem?"  Bartender replies, "I told those guys if they started singing again, there were out of here!"

A blonde finishes working at her job as a waitress around 10 PM & plops down next to a guy having a beer while he's watching the local news.  A story about a man threatening to jump from a ledge is on.

The blonde looks over at the guy and says, "I'll bet you $20.00 that guy doesn't jump".

The man smirks and replies, "Sure. I'll take that bet".

They both set $20.00 on the bar & watch the rest of the story where they hear the man jumped.

"Damn!", said the blonde, "well, fair is fair, the money is yours".

Ashamed, the bar patron says, "well, if fair is fair, I must confess I saw the 5:00 PM news and already knew he jumped..."

The blonde replies, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it TWICE"!

"A point of view is only a view from a point..." ~ Unknown

"A point of view is only a view from a point..." ~ Unknown

I voluntarily withdrew my Jesus joke at the request of JstPlnOnry. He PM'ed me to tell me in light of his Christian beliefs he was very offended by it.

I'll try again. Advanced apologies to Skandahoovians

Sven tells Ollie to go into the lumber store and ask the price of 2x4.

"How long you you want them?" asks the clerk.

"Oh I'da know, 50 years or so. We're building a barn."

On thing we learned in the last snowstorm was if you have a front wheel drive car, you need to put the chains on the front wheels unless of course you're from Ballard where you insist on putting them on the back wheels as a matter of cultural pride.