Well, I followed the advice you gave me in your 3/25/07 column and whacked the little fellow across the room in a public place. A cranky OPD officer muttering something about OlyBlog and "pinkos" (I think he needs a vacation) promptly took me away and I was a guest of the Crowbar Hotel for awhile. So thanks a lot, oolyps! Smooth move, Ex-Lax!

But still, I'm a forgiving guy. Plus, I'm in another jam and need your help. Here's my problem.

I'm not sure how this happened, or how long it has gone on, but a little monkey has his hands buried deep in my nostrils. I can feel those hairs on the back of his tiny hands brushing against my olfactory nerves, with that peculiar monkey smell. He is way in there and his grip is merciless. It feels like his fingers are deep in the center of my head, enslaving my brain. Going out, of course, is an impossibility.

Most of the time I can't see his face, but occasionally he'll raise his head and look at me with a resigned and weary expression. I think he is as trapped as I am.

So what do I do?

Yours,

Snoodle B. Clapsaddle


Welome back Snoodle.  About the pokey, we're sorry but sometimes you have to lose to win.

As to your current malaise:  you're starting to strike us as whiny, it's not like a big ape or anything.  Though this problem is new to us, the truth is clear.  You are a malsymbiote attractor and you must embrace this about yourself.  Acceptance is your ally.  Why is going out an impossibility?  Nurture life with your simian friend.  Show him spring time in Oly and buy some soap.

We urge you to keep it real with the monkey.  Name him; buy him food, none of that stereotypical crap like bananas, the good stuff, like fois gras; get matching tattoos.  Most importantly, get your asses down to the Procession of the Species studio, you'd be naturals.

“Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of lather each time from individual bars of soap.”
                      - Howard Hughes

 

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Hey you guys,

A friend of mine I'll call "we" recently started an advice column.  We has not received questions in two weeks.  We is getting concerned that this bodes poorly for we's future as an advice columnist.  Do you have any advice for we?

Ostensibly one person's sincerity,
xooxxoxx


Dear xooxxoxx,

From the sound of it, there is reason for concern.  Have you considered writing anonymous letters to we?  Baring oneself in public, even if anonymous, may be difficult and embarrassing.  By getting the ball rolling, you could be the catalyst for we's column.  We would be grateful.   

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.”
                  - Gautama Siddharta

 

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Oly, send questions and comments to oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com. Your identity will be posted as anonymously as requested.