On Oly Personal Shit

Don't you want advice on something?

We are still accepting submissions for tomorrow's debut of On Oly's Personal Shit.  In part because we have not received any yet.  That we are admitting to this says something about the kind of advice that we dish (if we actually get any questions).  Just ask us for our advice; we will give it.  As previously stated, we will respect all desired anonymity. 
    -The Telltale Taelliouses 

    oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com

 

“Advice after injury is like medicine after death.”
                                                            -Proverb

please

Need some advice? Oolyps answers.

Alright Oly, the votes are in and we're averaging about a 4.3 out of 5 on our peer reviewed advice.  We're now accepting submissions for this Sunday's advice column(s).  As always, you'll remain as anonymous as you request.

Send all questions to:  oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com.  Our finite wisdom is at your disposal, Olympia.

- The Taelliouses

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something”
                               - Proverb


O.O.P.S. 03/25/2007 (belated)--part 1

I've never had much of a weight problem before but my killer metabolism has abandoned me in my old age. When I was a teenager I could eat a bowl of Crisco and a bucket of sugar three times a day, still be hungry, and maintain an average weight of 128 pounds. Sometimes I'd get up into the 140s during the Winter months.

I'm not as active as I used to be. I had taken PE all of my five years of High School, even after I had earned the required credits, and after I turned 21 I spent every Saturday and Sunday Night at Thekla dancing until Last Call. A decade later I sit in front of a computer all day to earn a paycheck. The decrease of my hair has corelated with the increase of my gut.

During a previous Domestic Life I stopped going out to dance on the weekend and wasn't as physically active as I had been. My weight average rose between 150 and 160. At 5 foot 11 that was fine. After a brief time on a certain medication I ballooned to 195. When I got off the meds I went back down.

Currently I don't own a bathroom scale and can't even guestimate what my weight is. However, in recent weeks buttons have popped off my pants, the metal clasps on some of my nicer pairs have pulled themselves out, and my zipper doesn't want to stay zipped. I already don't have 7 pairs for the 7 days of the week, and now I'm finding myself using my buckled belt to keep the fly flap closed while wearing my work-issued jacket all day long to keep it covered. I have very little budget allowance for clothes shopping.

I don't look fat. At least not all around. I have my same old sunken chest, only now it's contrasted with a big belly.

I already stopped the daily McDonalds lunches, though I'm still working on the breakfastes. I haven't been drinking every Friday like I had before (however, I had already cut back on the drinking months ago, and the pants are only recently getting impossible.) I'm not adverse to eating vegetables and cutting back on mm-mmm yummy greasy meat but I refuse to be a calorie counter or content myself with plain rice cakes.

I'd like to kick myself in the butt and be active again. I have two hobbies outside of work, unfortunately they're almost as sedentary (blogging and doing a radio show) I can't afford to join a gym.

Pretty much I already know what I need to do. I need to limit the McDonalds to once a week or less. I need to eat more fruits and veggies while watching the dairy and meats. I need to stop taking the elevator at TESC, I need to buy a cheap-ass pair of tennis shoes and run around Capitol Lake a few times a week, I need to spend more time on the weekend hiking around town or in the woods outside TESC (especially since I've always loved the idea of hiking and have wanted to tackle some trails in the National Parks and
Forests.) I need to take up Swing Dancing again, especially if I'm not going to get myself drunk enough to dance at Jakes most weekends.

Basically what I'm asking is for someone else to just tell me to do what I've already suggested and maybe add their two cents too.

I don't want the Olybloggers to know that it's me asking this, so you can call me "Not Merwyn", that should be a good enough disguise.

Thanks




Not Merwyn,

Small steps will take you miles:

    * If you love McDonalds, make it a treat, not a practice.  Try cutting back to once a week at most.  The more you eat it, the more you crave it.

    * Bring your lunch to work and go for a walk on your break.  No candy bar and coke lunch.   

    * We are not fans of running, it's tough on the body.  Besides, that seems like a big first step; maybe this can be a goal.

    * Hiking in the National Forests also seems like a bit of a stretch.  Major lifestyles changes are difficult to affect.  Our suggestion, urban hiking.  It can be done anywhere--no driving required.  Take to the streets, then go to the hills.   

    * Swing dancing is offered at the Eagle's Hall through the Art Deco Society NW Tuesday nights.


"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
                 -Ellen Degeneres


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O.O.P.S. 03/25/2007 (belated)--part 2

This advice may be offensive to some.

Subject: I'm sure you get this question all the time

He's a surly little fellow in spite of his festive garb. And he has been with me for so long that it is hard to remember what life was like before he appeared. He stands about two and half feet tall but struts around like he was a 6' 8" bully. And here's the deal: No matter where I go he accompanies me. And whenever I enter a public place, like a restaurant, or a shoe repair shop, a courtroom where I am serving as an expert witness, or even the restroom at a roadside rest stop, he heralds my entry by jumping in ahead of me and announcing in a loud monotone, "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present," and here his voice gets louder yet remains semi-bored, "THE SMORGASBOARD OF DELIGHT!"

The fact that he sounds like a frog who has been given the gift of speech makes the scene even more incongruous. Aside from his "Smorgasboard" introduction, he never speaks, except for an occasional grunt of disapproval. He is always at my side and sleeps in a wicker basket at the foot of my bed. I have never seen him use the bathroom or eat. But I have noticed there are no longer any rodent pests at my house since he showed up. He does not appear to enjoy his job of being my public presenter.I have the impression he is being employed by some twisted third person. So why do I put up with this? I am not what you would call an attractive person. Truth to tell, I am a bit flattered to have anyone call me "The Smorgasboard of Delight," even if it is a surly rodent-crunching grunting grotesque tiny man, and even if he does present my title in places like funerals and crowded elevators.

I guess I need him more than he needs me.

Is this an unhealthy situation? What should I do?

Sincerely, "Snoodle B. Clapsaddle" (not my real name)



Snoodle B. Clapsaddle,

Yes, we do get this question all the time; you are not alone.  Your champion is actually a masochistic tiny man.  So masochistic is he that even allowing himself to show enjoyment over his station of self-debasement would lessen his joy.  Rest assured, he does this for no compensation outside of this conspicuous pleasure.

Our concern for you with this situation is your obvious dependance.  We recognize that it feels good to be well introduced; however, your self-value must come from more than just four words.  Therefore, we recommend that every time this tiny little man steps out to obstreporously introduce you, you violently strike him down.  We realize that people do talk, and that you may quickly become known around town as "that guy who beats up his little friend."  Be strong, it will hurt you more than it hurts him.  
     
"A snoodle or snoodling is when two men go penis tip to tip and jack each other off in the over-hand manner. The first man to ejaculate into the others pee hole wins."

Hey man, are you gonna sign up for the snoodling tournament?

This party sucks, lets go snoodle.
          -The Dave
       www.urbandictionary.com


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O.O.P.S. 04/08/2007

Hey Oly,
Thanks for the vacation.  We will be back next week. 
E-mail us at oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com for next weeks oops edition.
      
        -The Taelliouses
 

I have nothing to say to the nothing that has been said.
        -Spencer Perceval

O.O.P.S. 4/29/2007

"Leisure is a beautiful garment, but it will not do for constant wear."
    -Anon

OOPS advice 04/01/2007

I am dating a single dad, who is a really great guy.  He is one of the nicest guys I've ever dated, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.  He never gets mad, never throws tantrums, never calls me names, grabs my friends' asses, or demand I get up and get him a beer while he's watching football on TV.   He's so damned nice, in fact, that the niceness is a bit of a problem.  I don't mind when all this bountiful niceness is directed at ME.... but he's just too darned nice to his kid.  The kid needs to be told NO sometimes in no uncertain terms, and Dad is just too darned nice.  If the kid doesn't get his way, he'll throw a tantrum, and his father will spend an hour talking it out with him before they reach a compromise solution, when really, a simple "No," would suffice.  True, I like all this sensitivity to feelings when it's directed at me, but a lot of times all these impromptu crisis management sessions have ruined our evening plans.  At times, I suspect the kid raises an issue at the worst possible moment just to wreck our evening. 

I must sound a little hard-hearted, but really I'm not.  I'm a parent myself, and I know that my dates have had to accommodate the demands placed on me by my children.  But if one of my kids starts to act up when I'm about to head off for a movie or a show, I tell them we'll have to talk about it later. 

Should I say something to Mr. Nice Guy, or just suffer in silence?

Signed,

Ms. Not-So-Nice

 

Ms. Not-So-Nice

Suffering is over rated.  As fellow parents we’ve come to the conclusion that, like our kids, parenting methods share similarities yet retain distinct streaks of individualism.  If there is something in your relationship that bothers you, by all means talk to your partner about it; silence is resentment’s catalyst.  However, as a parent, you know it’s a package deal and you’re dating the kid as well.

Depending upon the child’s age we think that you’re probably right; it is likely that he is trying to retain his father’s attention through these behaviors.  We suggest that you engage the kid in conversation—just the two of you.  And possibly schedule a date for the three of you involving making homemade stovetop popcorn and watching a video which you all chose together.


"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing."
                        - Rollo May

 

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Hi, it's just that I'm the kind of guy who will never settle down, I'm never in one place, I go from town to town, and this makes relationships hard. I never figured out who wrote the book of love, was it someone from high above? Because I'm in heartbreak hotel, at the end of lonely street, and I can't get no satisfaction. I've got a feeling for the blues, dear lord, since my baby said goodbye, and I don't know what to do, all I do is sit and sigh. I'm having a hard time with it. I guess I should justify my love, though, and unfortunately we are living in a material world.

So what I'm really asking is this: I want to know what love is, I want you to tell me.

Sincerely,

John


Dear John:

What is love? What is right?  What is wrong?
Love is lube.
Love is stronger than pride.
Love is all.
Love is more than words.
Love is a stop sign on the freeway.
Love is cheesy lyrics and thousand year old poems.
Love is blind, patient, a battlefield, mean, all around, surprising, illusion, a thunder storm, a rainbow, kung-fu grip and a cowboy’s sad, sad song.
Love is the prize winner of Defiance, Ohio.
Love has no value.
Love is a crazy game.
Love’s a mystery.
Love is 42.

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
                         - Harry

 

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OOPS advice 04/15/2007

Well, I followed the advice you gave me in your 3/25/07 column and whacked the little fellow across the room in a public place. A cranky OPD officer muttering something about OlyBlog and "pinkos" (I think he needs a vacation) promptly took me away and I was a guest of the Crowbar Hotel for awhile. So thanks a lot, oolyps! Smooth move, Ex-Lax!

But still, I'm a forgiving guy. Plus, I'm in another jam and need your help. Here's my problem.

I'm not sure how this happened, or how long it has gone on, but a little monkey has his hands buried deep in my nostrils. I can feel those hairs on the back of his tiny hands brushing against my olfactory nerves, with that peculiar monkey smell. He is way in there and his grip is merciless. It feels like his fingers are deep in the center of my head, enslaving my brain. Going out, of course, is an impossibility.

Most of the time I can't see his face, but occasionally he'll raise his head and look at me with a resigned and weary expression. I think he is as trapped as I am.

So what do I do?

Yours,

Snoodle B. Clapsaddle



Welome back Snoodle.  About the pokey, we're sorry but sometimes you have to lose to win.

As to your current malaise:  you're starting to strike us as whiny, it's not like a big ape or anything.  Though this problem is new to us, the truth is clear.  You are a malsymbiote attractor and you must embrace this about yourself.  Acceptance is your ally.  Why is going out an impossibility?  Nurture life with your simian friend.  Show him spring time in Oly and buy some soap.

We urge you to keep it real with the monkey.  Name him; buy him food, none of that stereotypical crap like bananas, the good stuff, like fois gras; get matching tattoos.  Most importantly, get your asses down to the Procession of the Species studio, you'd be naturals.

“Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of lather each time from individual bars of soap.”
                      - Howard Hughes

 

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Hey you guys,

A friend of mine I'll call "we" recently started an advice column.  We has not received questions in two weeks.  We is getting concerned that this bodes poorly for we's future as an advice columnist.  Do you have any advice for we?

Ostensibly one person's sincerity,
xooxxoxx



Dear xooxxoxx,

From the sound of it, there is reason for concern.  Have you considered writing anonymous letters to we?  Baring oneself in public, even if anonymous, may be difficult and embarrassing.  By getting the ball rolling, you could be the catalyst for we's column.  We would be grateful.   

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.”
                  - Gautama Siddharta

 

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Oly, send questions and comments to oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com. Your identity will be posted as anonymously as requested.

OOPS advice 04/22/2007

Hello, oolyps. 

I'm hoping you can help me.  I have a big problem with procrastination.  Somehow, I managed to get myself through graduate school, but since I graduated about a year ago, I have spent a lot of time with my proverbial digits up my proverbial derrière.  Each day, I think about doing a wide variety of things, and each day, I put them off.  I do spend a lot of time on the internet and watching TV, which I know is a waste of time.  I am productive at work, but it's the home situation that's really the problem.  In the meantime, I continue to get fat and lazy and frustrated with myself.  What should I do to break the spell of procrastination on my life?  Thanks in advance for your insight.

Sincerely,
Lethargy in Oly


read our advice here


Dear Lethargy in Oly,

We are of the camp that believes procrastination is not necessarily bad.  Social pressures and negative connotations of idle time and leisure have caused a backlash for those who enjoy things such as watching TV and spending time on the internet.  We live in an age when we do not have to till the land from sun up to sun down.  Unless your bills are not getting paid or you hate your life, cut yourself some slack.  If you are a person who would choose TV over a walk, or the internet over dancing, so be it.  If you'd like to be productive and watch TV, look into something like knitting or oragami arts.  So the question that you need to ask yourself is whether you really want to be more active or whether social pressures are forcing your hand.

If you do indeed want to become more active, then find ways of being active that fit you.  This may need to be forced in the beginning, but if you find an activity that you actually enjoy, the habit will come much more easily.  You might want to set a start date.  For example make the decision to bike to work 3 days per week starting May 1.  Or if you cannot bike to work, take a walk during lunch or after work starting May 1.  Or get Dance Dance Revolution.  The key is to find something you enjoy rather than loathe. 

You could also choose an event each week to go to.  There is always something going on in Oly.  Make a calendar for the month and write things in and do them without thought.  One easy solution is to pick one event posted on OlyBlog every week and attend it.  We canceled the cable and can't say enough about the benefits of that decision; perhaps that is a solution that would work for you as well.  Finding people to be active and productive with is another avenue that can help as you can act as a support group of sorts.

Best of luck and keep us posted,

The Taelliouses           

"Nothing would get more efficient without lazy people."
     -Jason's former shrink

 

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Dear OOLYPS,

I am trapped in a plane between the two worlds, placed
there as punishment for being on the losing end of a
war that happened long before the human race appeared
on planet earth. We were rulers once of your planet
and we will be again. In places of desolation our
followers today, who have preserved the true knowledge
of our existence down through the generations of man,
gather in circles and perform the rites, waiting for
the day when the stars come right again and I can
escape from my place of torment and assume my throne
as ruler of your world.

But here in the endless wastes between being and
non-being I cannot get a date. I try and I try but
we're all former powerful superbeings here and there's
not much I can do to make myself stand out. I've tried
jokes and interesting hobbies but the former feminine
leaders of the dark side just say "That's nice,
Zuthulu, but I'm just not interested." How can I make
myself more attractive for the superbeing who has
everything, for beings who have been cast into the pit
of torment after ruling planets for ten thousand years
with an iron hand, who have had monuments erected in
their name and have  received worship as...well...as
goddesses, and who can have her pick of similar male
beings if they want to?

Signed,
       Zuthulu

Zuthulu,

That is quite a predicament you are in, but 2012 will be here soon enough.  Clearly, now is the time to focus on you.  Yeah sure, you've had the admiration of the masses for tens of thousands of years, but this time has to be about you.  Self-love is where it's at.  The "endless wastes between being and non-being" is the perfect place to develop some self-reliance.  Besides, what better way to stand out from a crowd of super beings reliant upon sychophants than to be your own god?  Survey says:  none.

The Taelliouses

“The Gods cannot help those who do not seize opportunities”
                     - Chinese proverb

 

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Oly, send questions and comments to oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com. Your identity will be posted as anonymously as requested.

OOPS advice

Our fellow OlyBloggers, we would like to apologize for the delay in posting our advice.  We are currently suffering posting issues and will have it posted as soon as we've figured out what's wrong (we've narrowed it down to the problem being on our end of the equation!).

- The Taelliouses

OOPS submission deadline

Please send questions and advice requests to OOLYPS by Sunday, April 29 at 4:30 pm.  Anonymity is protected for those interested in privacy. 
Submit to:  oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com

     -The Taelliouses

"Life is no way to treat an animal."
     -Kilgore Trout's epitaph

OOPS submition deadline

Alright Oly, the time is at hand.  One desperate soul (Clapsaddle, you know who you are) saw quickly the brilliance in seeking our advice.  We now open the door to the rest of Olydom.

Please submit your questions using either our OlyBlog personal message or our e-mail: oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com.  Remember, we can be discreet.

“I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?”
- Douglas Adams

On Oly Personal Shit 03/18/2007

Hi, guys!

Please preserve my anonymity. But I need advice. Okay, here's the situation:

I have a really nice boyfriend. We have been going out for two years. He's divorced, and I have never been married, although I lived with someone for a while. He and I don't live together, but we have an exclusive relationship, and maybe we'll move in together at some point. But right now we have a problem. See, he had a vasectomy back when he was married. That's okay, because I don't want kids. And it's great not having to fuss with birth control! STDs aren't a concern, since we're both uninfected, and we don't have sex with other people. But I always carry condoms with me in my purse; I have been doing this since before I was even sexually active. My boyfriend has a problem with this. He says that since we don't need to use them, and we have an exclusive relationship, I shouldn't need condoms, and the fact that I always carry them around signifies a lack of commitment to our exclusivity agreement. I totally disagree with this. I just think it's smart to have condoms available, just in case. Also, my friends know that I am always supplied, and sometimes I have ended up giving condoms to other people -- who knows, I may have prevented an STD or an unwanted pregnancy!

He says that this longtime habit of mine is undermining his trust in me. I have never broken our exclusivity arrangement and don't intend to. I think I am trustworthy. Do you think he is being unreasonable, or should I toss the condoms?

Signed,

Trojan Source



Trojan Source:

You are right; you should carry condoms if you want, and it ought not reflect on your trustworthiness.  For some reason this is a problem for your partner and this is too bad because it sounds like it has benefited others.  But, he does have a problem with this behavior, and if one person in a relationship has a problem, it’s a community problem.  So, you’re right, but what is that worth?  This issue is probably not worth damaging your relationship over, but that is ultimately for you to decide.  Unless this issue emerged within a pattern of manipulation or trust is a reoccurring theme in your relationship, you should concede.

 “A wise [person] thinks it more advantageous not to join the battle than to win.”   -  François de la Rochefoucauld


I seek romance.  Now, after a lack of interests, suddenly there are multiple interests.
The current plan is to go with the flow and play it by ear, being especially careful not to rush anything.  Of course, I am impatient somewhat, due to the dry spell.  Please advise.

Until Ruin:

Scenario 1: You are impatient for a meaningful relationship. 

Whoa there.  Curb your impatience by dating the scene.  It’s okay to date multiple people. 

Scenario 2: You are impatient to get “romance.” 

It’s too bad Trojan Source might be going out of business. 

We think you should enjoy yourself and try really hard not to lie to anyone involved.

"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."   - Benjamin Franklin



How can we defeat the monster of corporate fascism and facilitate the evolution of a sustainable and lasting - sensible - society?  Thanks.
Okay, I am off to bed.

Rob


Rob:

External pressures may do the job for you (natural disasters, currency collapse, 2012, etc.)  Otherwise, individual devotion toward your desired change is the only way to increase the odds.  This includes being open and honest about your vision (read: speak with everyone about it).  Yes, some people will be put off (name calling is their typical m.o.), but you’ll separate the wheat from the chaff much more quickly and find yourself a part of a growing community working toward Commons.


“If capitalism is fair then unionism must be. If men have a right to capitalize their ideas and the resources of their country, then that implies the right of men to capitalize their labor.”   - Frank Lloyd Wright


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On Oly Personal Shit

Hi, we're the Taelliouses!  As fellow OlyBloggers you know us as pseudonym and enpen.  We offer you our advice, free of charge.  Every Sunday night we'll post responses to your personal plights, Oly.  Trust us.  Just send your questions to oolyps(at)gmail.com.  Feel free to fully disclose your identification, or, create a "fake" e-mail account through yahoo, google, hotmail, outgun, etc.  We'll treat you as anonymously as you like.

Now is the time to ask us to figure out your personal problems, Oly.  We'll begin posting on Sunday, March 18. 


“Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love.”
            - Justin Timberlake

Tarot without the o

Olympia.  Our cat is still alive.

We're currently accepting submissions for next week's advice column.

Submit your questions to:  oolyps(at)google(dot)com

You'll remain anonymous...if you'd like.

- The Taelliouses

"The world is vast and wide. Why do you put on your robes at the sound of a bell?"
                                                          - Zen Master Unmon