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Caimans just want to be loved

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Tue, 09/12/2006 - 5:06am — stevenl

Don't fall for it, Sarah.

Don't fall for it, Sarah. They will take advantage of your naturally generous nature and then-- CHOMP! The babies are particularly insidious. They seem so cute, you want to help them, and the next thing you know you are releasing them into a body of water to set them free and then-- *choke!* and then-- *sob!* THE ENTIRE CITY IS PLACED IN EXTREME PERIL!!!! Oh when will this guilt ever lift? O my offense is rank, it smells to Heaven! As I drove through the FLOD Parkway last night, a caiman ran out on the road and sunk its teeth deep into my tire, and it had the joy of letting my rotating wheel give it an artificial caiman death roll for about a mile before I stopped my Olds and got a tire iron to beat that odious reptile back into the toxic FLOD from whence it came. They are getting bolder. Beware, Sarah, beware.
Tue, 09/12/2006 - 1:13pm — Sarah

Relaaaaaaaax

Steve, I understand that your guilt is growing by the second and that you feel utterly responsible for the caimapocalypse to come, but really, now that you've made the mistake of the century, you've got to relax.

Just gaze into their friendly, mirthful eyes. Note their hospitable smile and those lovely unique and precious teeth. So cute. So misunderstood. They have forgiven you. Now, you must forgive yourself.

Oh one little quick question, no big deal, no worries......exactly how many caimans did you release to the FLOD?
Wed, 09/13/2006 - 5:59am — stevenl

Yes. Yes, I see what you

Yes. Yes, I see what you mean, I ... zzzzzz .... HEY! Cut that out! Put that swinging watch down! Resorting to hypnosis, now really! Well it won't work! It doesn't matter how many caimans were originally released into the FLOD, because in the last year they have multiplied beyond our ability to count and have been nurtured and protected by various human agents. Instead of looking back, crying over spilled caiman juice, and blaming well-meaning good citizens who make a simple tiny mistake, we should be looking ahead at the caimapocalypse (nice word, by the way) to come and unite to save Olympia.
Wed, 09/13/2006 - 12:21pm — Sarah

Fine

Fine, don't watch the watch. We have something much much better. Just look at this purty picture and hold still.


[My new motto: "WWCD?" also known as "What would caimans do?"]
Thu, 09/14/2006 - 5:51am — stevenl

Yow! The eye of the caiman!

nutriaantidoteYow! The eye of the caiman! The Sarah has lapsed again and fallen into their hands, er, claws, er, evil clutches. Now the storms will start. Now the ... must ... fight ... nngh! Got ... to ... use every bit ... arrgh ... of will power to reach ... antidote.

Ahhh, found it! The power of nutria. Much better.

Thu, 09/14/2006 - 11:02am — Sarah

Aha!

Nutria supplements are made of compressed nutria by caimans for caimans and their allies.

Note how the gentleman in the advert is indicating surrender. I advise us all to follow his example.
Thu, 09/14/2006 - 7:46pm — stevenl

Tricked again! Even though

caimancaptureTricked again! Even though I'm down, I'm not out. Surrender? We shall fight on the beaches of the FLOD. We shall fight in the Evergroove steam tunnels. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!
Thu, 09/14/2006 - 9:05pm — Sarah

Free class, sign up now

Ignore the cruel man weighing the poor defenseless caiman and continue your education with the 12 week course The Bite of The Caiman. Print out a copy of your own bite template. This class is free, all supplies are provided, and field trips to three (3) cozy caiman caves will be offered.

No prequisites required, although potential students are advised to add nutria to their diet before classes begin.
Fri, 09/15/2006 - 5:55am — stevenl

That "poor defenseless

caimansnoutThat "poor defenseless caiman" was a death-roll killing machine until captured by ordinary citizens who have to summon newly found courage to perform extraordinary tasks. That ripping reptile is about four times smarter than the Nazi scientists who genetically engineered their creation in South America, and probably just as evil. Madam, those nefarious animals have you under some sort of mind hold. Fortunately, another kind of bite, the bite of the cold air of fall-winter is coming. And as those opposable-thumbed villains slink off to hide in their warm steam-fed hideouts, that will buy us some time to organize, and also to bring you back to the world of the living. As a side note, Sept. 24 marks the anniversary when this statement was made in OlyBlog: "In order to jazz up the lake and make it a more exciting place, I would propose that we import crocodiles, alligators, caimans, gharials, animals like that and welcome them as part of the local color." An example of how good ideas can go so, so wrong.
Mon, 09/18/2006 - 4:28pm — Sarah

Mary the Caiman

I cannot help myself, in the face of my polling blues, I must read up more on caimans, instead of less. This story about Mary the caiman is pretty fun.

I'm all better now.
As for Mary, she is only a foot and a half long and stays in a 55-gallon tank. In about 10 years, though, she'll be 6-feet long, and "able to kill you real quick," according to Navratil.