12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

House of Dracula / directed by Erle C. Kenton (1945, VHS). Lon Chaney Jr., John Carradine, Lionel Atwill, Onslow Stevens, Martha O'Driscoll, Glenn Strange, Skelton Knaggs. Within a few minutes you know this film is going to be very bad and very fun. Elements of past box office success stories were thrown together in a jumble and produced sort of a corny horror stew with no real plot. Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein's monster, a mad scientist, hunchback nurse, angry villagers storming the castle, Jekyll/Hyde type transformations, a big fire at the end. Onslow Stevens as the scientist who appears to run a halfway house for monsters has the central role by default, and perhaps this should be entitled House of Relapse. Carradine is not really all that terrifying as Dracula. The fact that Dracula chooses to wear a bowtie is his most frightening trait. Director Kenton made good use of lighting and shadows, and a couple of the special effects involving wolf-to-man and bat-to-man were surprisingly good. My favorite scene was when the scientist, who had been transfused with vampire blood, looks in the mirror and sees-- nothing! There are days when I know how he feels.

Kids in the Hall. Season 1, episode 8 (1989?, DVD). Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney, Scott Thompson. Ping Pong (running gag), Vacation, Chain Gang, The Banker Doesn't Like us (running gag 2), Dinosaurs, Tony Comes to Dinner. Includes a Buddy monologue and the "Nobody likes us" mopey guys. "Vacation" is the standout skit here, along with "Tony." The Kids had a gift for making dysfunctional family situations funny in a way that I have not seen with other comedy ensembles. The dynamics in these family pieces are more sophisticated and complex than their other work.

"The Naval Treaty" (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes) / directed by Alan Grint (1984, DVD). Jeremy Brett, David Burke, David Gwillim, Alison Skilbeck, Gareth Thomas. "Watson here will tell you I never can resist a touch of the dramatic." Yeah, right. A touch. Holmes saves the British government from its own failures in Homeland Security. His performance is edgier than usual. We also get a clear look at his discomfort with women. His client, played by Gwillim is even more over the top in hamminess than Brett. Although Holmes calls this case "one of the darkest I have ever investigated," it really seemed pretty tame compared to others. Watching him verbally tear down a snotty Scotland Yard inspector and unleashing his rage at being forced to work with lunkheads was a scene where the smell of pork hung heavy in the air afterward-- a little gem to behold.

Man of the Frontier / directed by Reeves Eason (1936, VHS). Gene Autry, Smiley Burnette, Francis Grant, Champion. In a land where water is gold, saboteurs threaten an irrigation project. This has a weird mix of an Old West with 1930s setting. Although everyone rides a horse, there are little touches of modern life in here like men wearing fedoras, dams with electric generators. This has the obligatory goofy sidekick, and you can always tell which cowboy is played by Autry as he's the only one not covered with dust and manure. He's sort of a stuck-up prick in this story too. Lots of music here, with "Red River Valley" being the running theme. An African American tap dancer named Iodine plays the 1930s stereotype in a saloon scene. There is also a very strange band playing crazy music with found objects-- the highlight of the entire film. During a labor riot the soundtrack is playing the music of Wagner. Interesting movie if you are into cinematic oddities, but even so I'm glad it was only 55 minutes long. Also released under the title Red River Valley.

Return of Desperado / directed by E.W. Swackhamer (1988, VHS off-air). Alex McArthur, Robert Foxworth, Billy Dee Williams, Marcy Walker. Think Johnny Depp trying unsucessfully to pull off a Clint Eastwood imitation and you'll get the idea. My cat Spooky tried to swat him and his horse and they rode across the screen, which shows that even a cat didn't buy it. This appears to be part of a made-for-TV series where a made-for-TV mysterious stranger rides into a made-for-TV town on a made-for-TV personal quest, but in the meantime gets wrapped up in some little made-for-TV soap opera that will involve made-for-TV fighting for made-for-TV justice. There will also the made-for-TV "pillar of the community villain" (who actually tells his henchmen, "And this time, no slip ups!" Holy 1930s, Batman!) and the made-for-TV hero charming the made-for-TV ladies. The music is far worse than the usual made-for-TV music, it also includes special and annoying "suspense sounds." I will give this episode a few positive points. The opening scenes take place on the trail and there are some very nice shots of the lone rider in the Old West. The writers also made an attempt, albeit in a cleaned up made-for-TV style, of recognizing the role of African-American involvement in the Union Army and their subsequent trek West. The videotape came to an end before the story concluded, it probably had another quarter hour to go, but somehow I felt more relieved than shortchanged.

"Light Entertainment War" (Monty Python's Flying Circus ; v. 20, episode 42) / directed by Ian MacNaughton (1974, VHS). Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Neil Innes. Up Your Pavement, What is a Hen Teaser?, R.A.F. Banter, Not Taking War Seriously Enough, "Anything goes in, anything goes out, fish, bananas, old pajamas, mutton, beef and trout," Bloody repeats!, The Public Are Idiots, What a Lovely Day, Woody and Tinny Words, Show Jumping, When Does a Dream begin? Python continued to get stranger in their final season. The opening credits appear in the middle of the program. The court-martial scene is particularly Dada-like. This episode has a lot of turning back on itself, using the device of cast members watching earlier parts of the program on television. Bonzo Dog Band fans will enjoy the appearance by Neil Innes, who wrote the music that opens and closes the show. Neil himself appears at the end. Graham Chapman is at his best playing the upper class Englishman discussing "woody" and "tinny" words.

Customers Wanted / directed by Dave Fleischer (1939, DVD). Jack Mercer (uncredited voice), Pinto Colvig ( uncredited voice), Mae Questel (uncredited voice). Wimpy goes to the carnival and through viewing short scenes at Popeye's and Bluto's competing arcades, we see an anthology of rerun scenes of the two characters beating each other up. The Fleischer brothers must've been getting tired at this point. Not one of their best, although Wimpy's mercenary attitude gives us a fine lesson of capitalism at work.

"Rimmerworld" (Red Dwarf) / diected by Andy DeEmmony (1993, VHS off-air). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellen, Elizabeth Hickling. Rimmer accidentally finds himself an "Adam in his own Eden" as he uses his own genetic material to populate a barren planet. In the almost 600 years it takes his crewmates to catch up to him, Rimmerworld has evolved into a civilization of "backstabbing slimeballs." It's not nice to mess around with Mother Nature. This episode doesn't really have dialogue so much as four guys constantly insulting each other in creative and funny ways. There is a nice plot link with "Gunmen of the Apocalypse," featuring a brief appearance by Elizabeth Hickling.

"The Way We Wear" (Smithsonian World) / directed by David Grubin (1988, VHS off-air). James Earl Jones, Kristoffer Tabori, Milos Forman, Annette Bening. Traces the sartorial rules through time and how "dress makes actors of us all" as we don the garb of our social class. Includes interviews with fashion critics, designers, retailers, and staff on a movie set (Valmont). It moves a little slow and could use Mark McKinney's "Nina" character to jazz it up. The talking heads also need captions to tell us who they are. A high school student writing a paper about fashion might find this documentary a good place to start. I must admit I'm "fashion-challenged," so I watched this film as an innocent. It did inspire me to go to my favorite clothing outlet (Goodwill) and purchase a red shirt, a color I never wear, just to see if it will change my attitude. Wearing a necktie, I can testify, definitely has an impact on the way I am treated in public. And when this item of apparel is adorned I am always aware that I am in a costume. Can anyone out there tell me why wearing green will make people distrust you? This is stated a couple times in this documentary as fact without any explanation.

Claws in the Lease / directed by Robert McKimson (1963, VHS off-air). Mel Blanc (voice), Nancy Wible (voice). Sylvester and son attempt to leave their junkyard lives behind and become domestic cats. Their adopted owner turns out to be Ethel Merman on steroids. Sylvester eventually surrenders himself to the malignant forces of fate. When his poor son grows up, he will require therapy.

"The Empty House" (The Return of Sherlock Holmes) / directed by Howard Baker (1986, VHS off-air). Jeremy Brett, Edward Hardwicke, Colin Jeavons, Eric Porter, Patrick Allen. The fans wouldn't let Conan-Doyle live in peace unless Holmes was brought back from that fatal duel with Moriarty. In this tale, set three years after Reichenbach Falls, we get to see what a dreadful man the Great Detective really is as his love for hammy drama supercedes his sensitivity for others when they are all given near cardiac arrests as he surprises his old friends upon his return from a watery grave.The mystery in this episode really isn't much of a puzzler. Mopping up the last of Moriarty's henchmen, Holmes sets a trap for the "Second Most Dangerous Man in London" in a well-timed scene of suspense and takes the case in a very personal way. Holmes' rant once his foe is captured is one of his more passionate moments in the whole series. Hardwicke makes his debut as the new Watson. He's crankier and more mature than Burke, but just as good. Hardwicke's Watson also seems a little more thoughtful. In the start of this new season, Brett has lost a little of the lean and predatory look, so perhaps this new Watson was a good match for the new Holmes, just as the old Watson was a good match for the old Holmes. We get a rare look at Watson's rather sterile medical consulting office, and later we see him relax by lighting up a big cigar and wearing, I kid you not, a fez! But basically, no big brain teasers here, it is pretty much a simple celebration of Holmes' return. As Mrs. Hudson observes, "Once again Mr. Sherlock Holmes is free to devote his life to examining those interesting little problems that the complex life of London so plentifully presents."

The First Lady: Public Expectations, Private Lives / directed by Ricki Green (2004, VHS off-air). Barbara Bush, Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton, Betty Ford, Stockard Channing (host). A slightly fluffy documentary using the 2004 election as a backdrop. Covers First Ladies starting with Eleanor Roosevelt, but pretty much skips over Bess Truman, Mamie Eisenhower, and Pat Nixon. Ignoring Bess Truman is an oversight. Although she was not a major public figure, her influence seriously deserves more attention. It was good to see Lady Bird Johnson's courage during her civil rights tour of the Deep South recognized. Although I voted for Jimmy Carter in 1976 I didn't dislike President Ford, and I admired Betty Ford. She came to Oly in that campaign and we got to hear her (with daughter Susan) on the steps of the Legislative Building. She had guts and she used her First Lady status in a frank and creative way. Includes interviews with four First Ladies and historians, and many film clips, including one of my all-time faves. President Reagan has been asked a question by the press, and he just sort of stands there, like a bobblehead, saying, "Uh, duh, I, er ..." and Nancy whispers loud enough for the mikes to pick up, "We're doing everything we can," which the Leader of the Free World repeats verbatim for the record. Hillary watchers might want to see this documentary to help put her career in context.