12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

The Grizzlies (1987, VHS off-air). Peter Coyote, narrator. Although this National Geographic television documentary is an hour long, I have seen only the last 15 minutes of this one. The first part of it was taped over with a cartoon class I gave to the kids at Lincoln School back in 1987. Weird to think that those little guys are now approaching 30. There was a book I drew for early readers for the Olympia School District called "Odd Dog" back in the 1970s and all of these students had used it. Actually, Odd Dog was sort of a prototype of Morty the Dog, the cartoon character I later created and he turned around and bit me and became my nemesis. I gave three presentations that day, the groups of children got older with each one. The youngest folks really got into the magic of cartooning and being creative, responding with joy and wonder. But by the 3rd grade they were already asking, their eyelids heavy with world-weariness, "How do you make money at this cartooning thing?" Sad. Oh. The grizzlies. Peter Coyote, who was probably narrating from a script while safe in some air conditioned studio in L.A. when the guys out in the field were in danger of becoming bear fecal matter, sure sounds a lot like Henry Fonda if you squint your ears. I came in on this one while the scientists were tranquilizing a grizzly and then attaching a collar to it with a transmission device so they could always track it. I'm sure the other bears all made fun of it later. I once knew a tall, thin fellow named Peter (not Coyote), from Brooklyn, N.Y. who was an outdoor federal employee in Alaska. This happened in 1979. Peter happened upon a grizzly and in order to scare the thing he raised his hands in the air. The griz sniffed at him and than gave Peter a whack on the head with that giant paw. So Peter curled up into a ball and the bear began batting him around. Fortunately, Peter's fellow Feds flew by in a chopper and scared the bear away, but Pete was pretty scraped up and bruised for a long time. Back to the review: If you enjoy seeing lots of bloody fish at a river in Alaska as the grizzlies chow down, then this documentary has quite the finale for you.

"From Nurse to Worse" (From Nurse to Worse & Other Nyuks) / directed by Jules White (1940, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Vernon Dent, Johnny Kascier, Joe Palma. These are the Three Stooges in their prime. In order to collect on an insurance policy, the Stooges cook up a scheme where Curly pretends to be crazy and acts like a dog. But things go wrong during the medical examination by Dr. D. Lerious (Dent) and most of the action consists of an elaborate chase scene. I was ironing shirts as this was playing, so I can't really provide an accurate count of head konks, face slaps, eye pokes, etc., but there was plenty of slapstick action, including a chunk of Larry's hair being pulled out (with that velcro-type sound effect) and Curly's nose being pinched in scissors (with the nutcracker sound effect). Curly is especially great in his Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dog. Hmmm. Dylan Thomas' literary work of the same title also came out in 1940. Coincidence? Or was the Bard of Wales influenced by Curly? At any rate, this one is classic Stooges. Fun story that actually ties together at the end, a parade of strong regulars supporting the stars, fast pace, great sound effects, and Curly unleashed!

The Villain / directed by Hal Needham (1979, VHS). Kirk Douglas, Ann-Margret, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paul Lynde, Foster Brooks, Ruth Buzzi, Jack Elam, Strother Martin, Mel Tillis, Robert Tessier, Ott. This film is a very long 89 minutes. Basically the bad guy tries to stop the good guy and heroine in a setting and style that is very much like the Coyote and Roadrunner animations, complete with cartoon humor music and sound effects. The difference is that the Warner Brothers cartoon is funny and this is, well, 89 minutes long. I'm betting most folks associated with this film wish it had never been made, especially the current Governor of California. The best part of this movie is the running "smart horse-dumb owner" relationship between Kirk Douglas and his steed, Whiskey. The rest of the humor is made as if presented to a child, yet the subject matter is adult and was socially insensitive even in 1979. This includes alcoholism jokes (Brooks), sex jokes (Ann-Margret), stuttering jokes (Tillis), old biddy jokes (Buzzi), Native American jokes (Lynde) and rape jokes (Lynde again). This was Paul Lynde's last screen appareance. What a sad way to go. Former stuntman-turned-director Hal Needham, who also brought us such films as Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit, and Hooper, had been raked over the coals by the critics when he was active in the trade. In response, Needham printed a rebuttal picturing a wheelbarrow of cash-- no doubt pushed as he laughed all the way to bank.

The Young Poisoner's Handbook / directed by Benjamin Ross (1996, VHS). Hugh O'Conor, Antony Sher. I found this film to be very uncomfortable yet it had a story that was told by an expert. This is a biopic of the English psychopathic serial poisioner Graham Young, which gives the title a double meaning. This work is well made, well acted, and thoroughly depressing. O'Conor's narration is flat and unemotional-- like any good psychopath. And effective. The opening scenes really set the stage from the get go for what is to come: "I was very young when I realized I had a gift for chemistry. My earliest memories were quite often spent in the serenity of my parents home [kid stares at test tube while parents loudly argue in background. Father is heard to yell something about spouse wearing a low-cut dress at a party] gazing at some new found wonder of scientific discovery. [Now he is a teenager, transfixed by a pharmacy store display window] By the time I was in my teenage years I was beginning to see life as it really was, a series of illusions that only the scientists could strip away." And so, starting with his stepmother, Young begins to experiment with the art of poison. The building of suspense is so subtle, as it slowly dawns on us viewers that the average appearing routine motions of life can become quite fatal. It disturbs us to see how someone like Young can walk among us and pass as normal. The director respects the intelligence of his audience and does not resort to musical cues or other methods of rubbing our face in it. Called "Wickedly funny" by one quoted reviewer on the container, I'd have to disagree. It might be wickedly something, but funny is it not.

Adaptation / directed by Spike Jonze (2003, DVD). Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, Brian Cox, John Malkovich (uncredited). First off, let me say I think the name "Spike Jonze" is really contrived and pretentious, and someone who hides his real name behind such a moniker is bound to produce a piece of confusing and dysfunctional junk as this. Still, inside all those disorienting flashbacks and stories within stories there are some great moments. Cage plays twin brothers, age 40. A terrible age to be. Trapped and overwhelmed by stupid, trivial second-guessing self-absorbed thoughts, which the script does a good job of capturing, the main character is totally ruled by fear. Throughout the story, we hear the negativity he is feeding himself. In the first minute of the film we hear him ask himself in his head, "I need to turn my life around, what do I do?" Hey, by age 50 you don't care anymore, but he doesn't know that. His Doppleganger twin is more open, free. Although he comes across as less intellectual and more fun-loving, he seems more emotionally mature, and utters the best line of the story: "You are what you love. Not what loves you." Streep plays an ambitious NYC writer who is not a sympathetic character. But she is smart enough to see the forces guiding the story, "What I came to understand is that change is not a choice." Streep and the two Cages give strong performances, but Chris Cooper as the eccentric Florida redneck really outshines them both, which is saying a lot. As a rural con man, he is great at delivering the line, the B.S., the romance, with passages like, "Adaptation's a profound process. It means you figure out how to thrive in the world," which he proceeds to do as a B.S. artist. So this is a film with great acting by all the main actors, but suffers from a bad narrative style. I blame the director. Brian Cox is fun to watch as a playwright seminar teacher, I wish his role had been more prominent. This is not what I would consider a humorous film, yet the package has a blurb about it being a "stunningly original comedy." What is it with these recent sad-feeling films billing themselves as comedies when they are not?

The Blair Witch Project / directed by Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sánchez (1999, VHS). Heather Donahue, Joshua Leonard, Michael C. Williams. A great example of how a low-low-budget film without any star power can still be a box office blockbuster. Now that several years have passed and the Internet hype and marketing have evaporated, this movie can be viewed cold. Here is the premise: three young adults venture into the Maryland woods as they prepare a documentary on the legend of the Blair Witch. They vanish, but their videotapes and film are found. This surviving footage comprises the entire film. Since there were two or three cameras used, the story seesaws between being in color and black and white. As they are all hand held, the action is frequently choppy and the audience is continually left off-balance, trying to gain a solid footing. I first saw this in the old Das Kapital Mall megabox theater, and got severe motion sickness. This is one movie where it is better to view it on the tube. The initial buildup, where local residents are interviewed about the Blair Witch, clips along at a good pace and keeps us engaged. Once the three enter the woods, the story swings between brain numbing boredom and moments of intense fright. The scenes in the latter category are very effective, particularly when filmed in black and white. There is something especially disturbing about the ghosts or spirits of children, and the directors really exploit that. At one point in the story the three encounter some "crazy shit" icons made out of sticks hanging in the woods, which reminded me of the kinds of things I would encounter when walking through the Evergroove woods in the 1970s. The F-word is used generously throughout the story, so much so that it was sort of comical, but it also pushed me away. In movies like Midnight Run the f-word is used just as much, and it somehow works. But in this one it doesn't. Probably because the long moments of nonaction are filled with lots of whining involving copious use of the F-word. Maybe it just pushes a button for those of us who have survived parenting a teenager. In spite of the movie's uneveness, it remains impressive in being original and providing some truly frightening scenes.

Cromwell / directed by Ken Hughes (1970, VHS). Richard Harris, Alec Guinness, Robert Morley, Dorothy Tutin, Frank Finlay, Timothy Dalton, Patrick Wymark, Patrick Magee, Charles Gray, Nigel Stock, Basil Henson. Starting with Oliver Cromwell at his farm in 1640, the film traces the English Civil War through the lives of Cromwell and King Charles I. In fact, this film could easily have been entitled Charles I, or Cromwell and the King, since much of the story is presented as a personality-driven conflict between these two (Harris as Cromwell, Guinness as Charles). In spite of the historical inaccuracies, and there are many, pains were taken to film on location and have the actors actually resemble the historical characters they were portraying. In many ways the story reflects our world in 1970 more than the mid-1600s. A social and political revolution results in dashed hopes and idealistic notions get flushed down the toilet. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Some of the cinematic devices used are holdovers from a bygone era. The epic battle is remarkably free of mud and gore. The music is overwhelming and over the top, much like the acting from some of the great hams of British cinema. Guinness plays Charles with a fatalistic detachment. Dalton is funny then tragic as the foppish then discredited Prince Rupert. Robert Morley steals all his scenes as the aristocratic Manchester. Richard Harris is never satisfied with merely speaking his lines, rather he utters each word as part of a pronouncement. Harris does that thing where he starts off in a low, hoarse whisper and then finishes with a high-register screech, with lots of table pounding. If you enjoy ham like I do, he is a joy to watch. Since he is playing the part of a religious fanatic, Harris' acting style sort of fits the role. I had a couple of Puritan ancesters who rose on the Cromwell wave. History recorded that these forefathers of mine took some big sticks or sledgehammers and whacked away at the graven images on Wells Cathedral, destroying tons of artistic treasures. Don't ask me how, but somewhere in this house I have a piece of Oliver Cromwell's chimney.

"The Psychiatrist" (Fawlty Towers) / directed by Bob Spiers (1979, VHS). John Cleese, Prunella Scales, Connie Booth, Andrew Sachs, Basil Henson. When a psychiatrist becomes a guest at the hotel, Basil goes through incredible contortions to be as "normal" as possible, prompting this aside from the doctor, "There's enough material there for an entire convention." Produced at a time when puritanical attitudes about sex and the stigma of psychiatry had more tension behind them, and hence drew more laughs. But Cleese's comic timing is timeless and a joy to watch. By coincidence, actor Basil Henson, who had the title role of this episode, also had a bit part in the previously reviewed Cromwell.

Heart and Souls / directed by Ron Underwood (1993, VHS). Robert Downey Jr., Charles Grodin, Alfre Woodard, Kyra Sedgwick, Tom Sizemore, David Paymer, Elisabeth Shue, B.B. King. A cute film in the best sense. In San Francisco, 1959, a city bus carrying four strangers crashes as it swerves to avoid hitting another vehicle. All four passengers die and find themselves as spirits locked into being companions with a baby who was born in a 1958 Rambler at the crash site. The baby grows up to be Robert Downey Jr., who turns out to be a funnier actor than I expected. Since his body can be taken over by any of the four ghosts, this role also gives him a chance to showcase his versatility. Charles Grodin is well cast as the librarian who is stuck wearing the same bowtie for over 30 years. Tom Sizemore, the 1950s hood, gets all the good lines. There is a lame and unconvincing love interest side story, but otherwise this film is steeped in romanticism designed to pull at the heartstrings, which it does well. Includes hints at reincarnation, and has a special appearance by the great B.B. King.

Kids in the Hall. Season 1, episode 1 (1989, DVD). Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney, Scott Thompson. The final part of the great Monty Python-SCTV-Kids in the Hall continuum. It has been over a decade and we are still waiting for a comedy troupe to pick up the baton dropped by the Kids when they disbanded in the mid-1990s. This one includes the Eradicator! The head crushing Mr. Tyzik. The real cause of cancer. Kathie and Mississippi Gary. And one of my favorites, the Pear Dream.

Sasquatch / directed by Jonas Quastel (2002, DVD). Lance Henriksen, Andrea Roth. Also released in the theater under the title: The Untold. This is the heartwarming story of a ruthless CEO and a Sasquatch. When a small jet with the daughter of this CEO vanishes in the Cascades, the father sets out with a search party after the authorities give up. But as we get to know the members of the team, the only person we really like is the Washington State resident guide, who says at the start of story, "I'm going to regret takin' this job, aren't I?" The answer is yes, but not as much as we are going to regret sitting through this turkey. Oh. There is another character we can admire. The Sasquatch. Especially when he starts picking off these jerks one by one. Here are some interesting facts about the Washington State Cascades I didn't know until I saw this film: 1. The Sasquatch is a fierce and hostile creature who enjoys tearing off the limbs of humans. 2. Grizzlies live in the Cascades. That piece of news must have been in the part of the video that was taped over the first title I reviewed in this list. 3. There are big chunks of time when it doesn't rain around here. 4. We have lots of thunder and lightning in Western Washington. Actually, to be fair, I am assuming this story takes place in the Washington Cascades, so perhaps I'm just being nationalistic about my native state. It was actually filmed across the border in British Columbia, and maybe up there the Sasquatch is a fierce and hostile creature. But here in the Evergreen State, in the happy land of the Mountain Beaver, Giant Palouse Earthworm, Geoduck, Banana Slug, and Crazy Donkey, our Sasquatch is a shy creature of mystery. The most hostile thing about him is the reported stench. Over a couple decades ago I was acquainted with Grover Krantz when we both worked at WSU. Grover was the national academic authority on our bigfooted friend, and if you listened to him with an open mind he could get you into being a halfway believer. Also, if you live out here in the Washington sticks, away from the I-5 Roman Road, you hear stories. And possibly see things in the woods you can't explain away. But don't watch this movie to get any answers. Sasquatch deserves better than this.

The Wild Bunch / directed by Sam Peckinpah (1969, VHS). William Holden, Robert Ryan, Ernest Borgnine, Warren Oates, Edmond O'Brien, Jaime Sánchez, Ben Jones, Strother Martin, L.Q. Jones, Albert Dekker. Let's go. This is a great film and one of the best Westerns ever made. This could only have been successfully produced in that time between JFK's death and Reagan's election. Starting with Nov. 22, 1963 we entered an era when the violence we saw on the news was worse than what we were presented in fiction. Assassinations, riots, Chicago in '68, Kent State, Watts, and every single night the Vietnam War and the blood that came with it invaded our living rooms via Cronkite, Huntley, and Brinkley. The news doesn't do that anymore, not since Reagan. Even showing flag-covered caskets of our fallen soldiers is considered bad taste. Peckinpah's Wild Bunch is an incredibly violent film where the gore is artistically presented in slow motion, but not prettied up. The film reflects the era in which it was made. From railroad executives to military leaders to ruthless robbers, the basest parts of human nature rule almost everyone in this story. Holden plays the aging leader of an Old West outlaw gang, out on their last job. It is 1913 and they are already antique relics from bygone days. "We gotta start thinking beyond our guns," he says to his men, "Those days are closing fast." But, in fact, they have already closed. They are on a death march and they know it. The one member of the Wild Bunch who is not a complete sociopath is a Mexican appropriately named Angel, who actually feels love for a woman, a sense of community with his native village, and a belief in a political cause. So naturally he gets snuffed, but in the process stirs the others to meet their destiny. The film is taut, never slow, and somehow is able to contain a rich mixture of zooms, cuts, and fast edits without making my eyes hurt. The whole male bonding thing in this film has, as the psychiatrist in the previously mentioned Fawlty Towers episode says, "enough material for an entire convention." In a movie filled with amazing scenes, there are two that really stand out. First, when the Wild Bunch cross the border into Mexico, they briefly stay in Angel's village and it is the only place in the story where we witness warmth and peace. As the Bunch ride away, the villagers form an aisle and serenade them. All involved seem to know the outlaws will never come back. The other big scene is the final "long walk," as the quartet walk into certain death with a mission. So much is conveyed just through body language. The only words being Holden giving the order, "Let's go." And after a pause, Oates replies, "Why not?" This was Albert Dekker's final film before his bizarre death. A very strong cast by all the principals and one of Holden's very best performances.