12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

Men in Black / directed by Barry Sonnenfeld (1997, VHS). Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, Linda Fiorentino, Vincent D'Onofrio, Rip Torn, Tony Shalhoub, Siobhan Fallon, David Cross. A buddy film that could be called "Dragnet in the Twilight Zone." A very well made comedy action story playing with our urban legends regarding UFOs and government coverups. It feels like a watered down Tim Burton film. Great chemistry with the cast, particularly Jones' poker-faced Jack Webb deliveries combined with Smith's wiseass asides. D'Onofrio appears to have had the greatest acting challenge in this movie, playing a giant insect inside an ill-fitting human skin, and he is hilarious. Gun enthusiasts probably won't appreciate the way they are portrayed through D'Onofrio's character (Alien: "Place projectile weapon on the ground." Edgar: "You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers." Alien: "Your proposal is acceptable.") The special effects are fun, and I was impressed by the expressions given to the various aliens. One unintentional chilling moment: Smith asks Jones about the secrecy and coverups, "Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it." Jones replies, "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it." And in the background shot we see the yet to be destroyed World Trade Center.

"The Nude Man" (Monty Python's Flying Circus ; v. 17, episode 35) / directed by Ian MacNaughton (1972, VHS). Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin. The Nude Man. Amazing Mystico. Mortuary Hour. Olympic Finals of Men's Hide and Seek. The Cheap Laughs come to visit. Planet Algon. Frequent use of the 16 ton weight. Not one of their best. This episode lacks energy and has the feel of burnout.

The Petrified Forest / directed by Archie Mayo (1936, VHS). Leslie Howard, Bette Davis, Humphrey Bogart. In a remote part of America, a criminal and his gang take over a roadside inn and hold the innocent civilians hostage. Included among the captives is a disillusioned and drifting stranger who develops a budding romance with the young woman who works at the inn. A terrific storm beating at the sides of the building serves to heighten the dramatic tension. I could be describing the 1948 film, Key Largo. In that one Bogart played the drifter. In this 1936 movie he is better cast as the criminal. Leslie Howard, the star of this story, insisted that Bogart play the role for the camera as they had performed this play on the stage together. This picture was a career-maker for Bogart, it also typecast him for a few years. But he was so good at it. He even looked like Dillinger. Interesting that this was Bogart's first big role in movies, and in his second to the last movie, Desperate Hours (1955), he essentially plays the same character, but with much more complexity. Oddly, Edward G. Robinson, the invader in Key Largo, was supposed to have the criminal part in Petrified Forest but something happened. Instead of Florida, this story takes place in the Godforsaken desert of Arizona. And in the 1948 film the drifting stranger was a WWII vet, where in this movie he is a pre-war wispy, self-pitying failed writer. He is like the tumbleweeds he walks among. Directionless. Also broke, but he can quote Villon with ease. He regards the Bogart criminal with admiration, and the two of them share a resigned acceptance of an early death. The story was written at a time when outlaws like Baby Face Nelson, Bonnie and Clyde, Pretty Boy Floyd, and John Dillinger were almost regarded as modern Robin Hoods during the Depression. Howard plays the role well, even though the character himself is insufferably self-absorbed and becomes less likable as the tale progresses. The supporting cast is full of wonderful character actors. There are some nice little spinoff bits about economic class, race, gender, and nationalism that made me laugh out loud. Bette Davis was formidable even when she was young, although I don't think I've ever seen her take on another role like this one-- a dreamy intellectually inclined girl trapped out in the desert. A nice film to get a sense of the era.

"Justice" (Red Dwarf ; IV, byte 1) / directed by Ed Bye (1991, VHS). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellen. Basically three different ideas cobbled into one story. First, A case of Space Mumps makes Lister's head swell to an enormous size. When it finally pops and explodes in a disgusting pus-filled way all over the vain Cat, it is one of those litmus tests in humor. Some have likened this scene to the eye-poking, pace slapping, head konking Three Stooges, and use it as an example of why Red Dwarf is not only juvenile, but also very much guy-humor. Personally, I don't buy that gender stereotyping. Men and women can both appreciate gross visual jokes with equal glee. Second, Rimmer is put on trial by an automated judge when a brain scan reveals Arnold blames himself for the death of most of the Red Dwarf crew (minus Lister). Kryten represents Rimmer as his defense attorney in one of the all time great trial scenes of television. Raymond Burr would be green with envy. And finally, a Simulant, who surface in the series occasionally as beings to be feared, give the boys a merry chase. Disjointed but fun.

The Saddest Music in the World / directed by Guy Maddin (2003, VHS). Mark McKinney, Isabella Rossellini, Maria de Medeiros, David Fox, Ross McMillan, Claude Dorge, Talia Pura. In a film one fellow viewer felt should be retitled "The Worst Movie in the World," we have a cast of excellent actors trapped inside a motion picture that is too impressed with itself. The story is set in Winnipeg, 1933. A beer company sponsors an international contest to determine which country produces the Saddest Music in the World. The back stories include the dynamics of what must be Canada's most dysfunctional family, lost loves, artificial glass legs filled with beer, tragic flashbacks, dreams that would delight any expressionist, a child's heart preserved and floating in a jar filled with tears, and a soundtrack of warring music-- sad, ethnic and nationalistic. All of this takes place in the dead of winter, where the landscape is given a naturally surrealistic soft glow. But the picture starts to "radiate badness," as another member of the audience declared as she walked out of the room before five minutes passed, right from the first frame. The camera angles are off-balance, the texture is grainy, the movement has the halting look of stop-action claymation, the black and white 1930s feel shifts to blue or orange hues, and occasionally into color during important scenes. The story itself is weird enough without having to make the viewer work through these contrived tricks in order to figure out what the heck is going on. I did make it to the end of this 100 minute skid to a fiery Roger Corman's Poe-cycle type finish, but only because I took it in small doses. I first saw this a couple years ago and was hoping time might improve it. Nope. But. There were some fine moments buried in there. Claude Dorge and Talia Pura were wonderful as the fakey announcers. The standout performance in this one belongs to Ross McMillan, who played the melancholy cellist, Roderick Kent-- a name no doubt inspired by Poe's Roderick Usher, another over-the-top melodramatic and oversensitive tormented soul. The only part of the entire story that seemed real or human were the all too brief scenes where Roderick plays the cello solo amid all the razzamatazz. For my money, the cello is the Saddest Instrument in the World. I wonder what Yo Yo Ma would say? One happy accident associated with this movie: The character played by Maria de Medeiros makes frequent reference to her tapeworm and how it gives her intuitive clues of prophecy. When she mentioned it near the end of the story, I suddenly remembered I had yet to give one of my cats, Spooky, his worm pill. Giving a pill to a cat is usually not very fun and generally results in getting bit or scratched. Fortunately, this cat was so bored by the film he had left the room and feel asleep. And he was still drowsy when I went in to administer the pill, so it was done with no problem.

SCTV (1976-1984?, VHS off-air). Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Dave Thomas, Catherine O'Hara, John Candy, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis, Robin Duke, Tony Rosato. In this tape, mostly the early stuff tailor-made for Boomers. Lots of short sketches. Later they developed more theme-based shows: Floyd Robertson and his bowtie wearing co-anchor, Earl Camembert, Philosophy Street, S&M Airlines, Fistful of Ugly, Another earthquake in Togoland, Dining with LaRue, Lin Yee Tang, Therese et Joe, An evening with Col. Sanders, Welcome back President Kotter, Glass Menagerie, Alistair Cook's Armenia, 20 depressing hits by Connie Franklin, Taxidermist date, Guy Caballero, Perini Scleroso, Great White North, Monster Chiller Horror Theatre, Dr. Tongue's 3-D House of Stewardesses, Gerry Todd Show (a concept that anticipated real VJs), Crazy Hy's, Bob Hope in Taxi Driver, Sid Dithers, Edith Prickley, Bobby Bittman, Molly Earl, Bill Needle, Big Brother is watching, Biller Hi-Lite, Bad acting in Hollywood, Enough About Me, Hats of the West, Alfred Hitchcock presents Murder is Bad for Your Health, Fish Police, Lincoln-Douglas debates, Mohicans galore, Cretin's Island, Mike's Mercenaries, Fighting Air Dogs Over the Pacific, Phil's Nails, Big Jim McBob and Billy Sol Hurok, The Heys of Our Lives, Death Takes No Holiday, Those Two Zany Ambulance Drivers, and Tex & Edna Boil's Organ Emporium.

"The Master Blackmailer" (The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes) / directed by Peter Hammond (1991, VHS). Jeremy Brett, Edward Hardwicke, Robert Hardy, Colin Jeavons, Sophie Thompson. An unusual and excellent Sherlock Holmes adventure, with a rare glimpse into parts of Holmes' personality that hardly see the light of day. This one is about secrets, and we are let in on a few secrets about Sherlock. We see a paradox of two men who are isolated from common human emotion locked in a primal struggle. At the conclusion, as Watson begins to record the tale, Holmes stops him, "No Watson. There are certain aspects of which I am not proud. Please, bury this case deep in your pocket." It is easy to see why. First, there is little actual mystery to solve. The entire story hinges on how the incredibly crafty villain will be caught. And in this, we see how much Holmes is ruled by pride. This is not Holmes the detective we are seeing, it is Holmes the single-minded hunter, a man who will justify some pretty low means to attain some high-minded ends. Second, Holmes has to go undercover and in the guise of a plumber he manipulates a young woman into falling in love with him in order to gather information. Her name is Aggie, and she demands of the Holmes/Plumber, "Give us a kiss." And Holmes replies with true sincerity, "I don't know how." This one-time-only onscreen kiss of the misogynistic Holmes in this series apparently really upset some Holmesian purists. But I thought it was great. It revealed how isolated he is from common human experience, and how far he was willing to go to get at his prey. It also seemed to mildly confuse the Great Detective who was normally so in control of his emotions. Third, much to Watson's disgust he resorts to breaking and entering, like a common criminal, in order to get his hands on some evidence. And finally, he witnesses a murder and hides the evidence implicating the guilty party, once again placing himself in the role of being English judge and jury. As always with this series, the production values are top notch, and we are offered a rare peek into underground Victorian Gay culture at the start of the story. You can see Jeremy Brett was starting to get ill and puffy at this point, but he continues to command the stage and is thoroughly engaged in his role. Even when he plays Holmes in disguise, you still know you are watching Jeremy Brett. He was a ham in the best sense, as he clearly enjoyed doing what he was doing, not unlike Vincent Price, and that enjoyment is contagious. Robert Hardy was very effective as the reptilian blackmailer, Charles Augustus Milverton. At one point in the story, when he visits 221B Baker St., Milverton is treated like a dangerous animal by Holmes and Watson, the latter picking up a chair as if he was a lion tamer. Like J. Edgar Hoover, a real-life famous blackmailer who Milverton sort of resembles, there are hints that the holder of secrets himself is in the closet, guilty of the same sort of hypocrisy we have now come to expect from too-many-to-count "family values" Republicans who have been revealed to have secret lives. As Holmes says, few other villains give us this sense of revulsion. The scene where Milverton collects his karma with overlapping dialogue is creative, original, and brilliant. There seems to be a theme of young women flinging themselves up to windows in this story, and I figure that is because they are in a lot of pane.

Nightcap / directed by Lars Skorpen (2001, VHS off-air). Ellen Horn, Sven Wollter. This subtitled short film is about two mature Norwegians in the uncertain dance of courtship, particularly at the point where the date actually ends. The man is needy. The woman is surrogate Mom and in control. Short, sweet, and leaving us at a loose end. Filmed at night. And for such a brief film it seemed a bit confusing.

At Mother's Request / directed by Michael Tuchner (1987, VHS off-air). Stefanie Powers, Ray Baker, E.G. Marshall, Doug McKeon. Meaner than Leona Helmsley! Crazier than Joan Crawford! It's the biopic of Frances Schreuder, the NY socialite who was convicted of having her son murder her miserly Utah-based wealthy father so she could speed up the inheritance. I don't know why I don't remember the real life case when it hit the media in the late 1970s/early 1980s. Maybe I was having a life back then. Anyway, CBS ran this as a prime time made for TV movie a few years after the trial. My copy is incomplete. Looks like I missed the first half. Part of it was covered up with a National Geographic documentary about grizzlies, which in turn was mostly covered up by a video of a cartoon class I taught at Lincoln School. It all sounds so Darwinian-- a term appropriate to the people in this broadcast. At any rate, from what I did see of this movie, all the main characters look so clean cut and wholesome. Even the Utah prison scenes look like a Disney set. Powers gets partway there as the unhinged psychopathic control freak, and she has her moments. It probably would've been better if I had seen the first half and witnessed how she developed the character. Whoever taped this included all the commercial breaks from over 20 years ago, and that was a trip. Constant interruptions during moments of suspense. I have not had television for almost a decade now, and I was reminded how incredibly annoying those breaks were. The Schreuder murder, brought to you by: Slimfast! Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? Dentyne! Safeway! Philadelphia Cream Cheese! AirCal! Johnson's Baby Oil! Children's Tylenol! Vaseline Intensive Care! Flintstones Vitamins! Sucrets! American Airlines! Advil! No wonder our concentration spans are so shot.

"G.I. Wanna Home" (From Nurse to Worse & Other Nyuks) / directed by Jules White (1946, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Symona Boniface, Ethelreda Leopold. This one is sometimes called, by mistake, "G.I. Wanna Go Home." But in fact the boys are back from WWII and are caught up in the postwar housing shortage. The whole set up and presentation of not finding a home due to the prices and shortages could easily be applied today. They finally set up an "outdoor house" on an empty lot as their brides wait. One of Curly's last appearances onscreen. His former manic energy is subdued, and Larry appears to have been given a more active role in order to pick up the slack. The old "live bird inside a cooked bird" (this time a goose) gag is used yet again. Lots of head konks (13 by my count), face slaps (6 single and 1 double), and stomach hits (8), so the sound effect guys were busy. Other single shot injuries include: needle jabbed in butt (Oing!), eye poke (just a single instance. Most interesting. And the victim was a landlord), ear pull, door closed on nose, hand wave in front of face (I love that!), kick, eggs on face, body falling out of tree on top of another, hair pulling, bowtie pulled back and then let go (I have always wanted to do that!), nose bit by parrot, foot in face, leg bit, people crushed when triple decker bunk bed collapses. Regular supporting actress Leopold's last appearance with the Stooges. I kept notes while watching on old outdated stationary from the Washington House of Representatives (I'm not sure why I have some, but I do), which somehow seemed fitting.

"The Golf Specialist" (W.C. Fields, World's Funniest Man) / directed by Monte Brice (1930, VHS). W.C. Fields, John Dunsmuir, Shirley Grey, Al Wood. The very first talking picture by Fields. I was surprised to learn he had appeared in about a dozen silent movies since 1915. His voice and delivery are such a major part of his comedy, that the technology of sound motion pictures was just waiting for this master of the insult and the adlib. In this one Fields is relatively thin and sports a comic moustache. He plays con man J. Effingham Bellweather staying in a Florida resort. Most of the film is spent on a stage while we wait for him to swing a golf club, using the repeated line "Now stand clear and keep your eye on the ball!" as sort of a buffer between each joke. Apparently this was a stage routine brought to the screen, without taking advantage of the medium with things like location shots, zooms, frequent cuts, crane shots, pans, etc. There are some clumsy visual jokes, but most of the humor is verbal. I always loved the way he used, as he does here, the name "Godfrey Daniel!" as a swear word. His caddy is the straight man, and the part owes a lot to the poker-faced Buster Keaton as he continually screws up without changing expression. Says Fields, "I wouldn't have you with me again as caddy for all the tea in China, all the tea or coffee or chop suey or whatever it is there they have so much of. As I said I'd like to wring your neck. Like to wash it first and then give it a good wring. Give it a ring they'd hear for miles, miles." Fields' films enjoyed a revival of interest in the late 1960s/early 1970s. He was a bit ahead of his era in terms of cynicism, so it isn't a big mystery why you couldn't get away from him during the Nixon years. Since that time he has sort of faded away. Perhaps his jokes about women and alcoholism don't seem so funny anymore. I once knew a guy who was acquainted with Fields. He said the screen persona was no act.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert / directed by Stephan Elliott (1994, VHS). Terence Stamp, Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce, Bill Hunter. A film with breathtaking scenery, great acting, and some laugh out loud moments. But it deals with a culture that seems so strange to me. Kangaroo crossing signs at roads, steering wheels on the other side of the vehicle, weird accents, bathrooms called "the loo," outback Aborigines who appear to exist on nothing. Yes, I'm talking about the culture of the rural Australians. Like a lot of Aussie films, I am not able to watch the whole thing in one sitting. Maybe my attention span is too American. Also, be sure to hang on to the movie after the credits. I have noticed those crafty Downunders like to sneak in a real zinger scene after all the names roll by. My favorite scene is the surreal "I Will Survive" number with the Aborigines. Oh, yeah, there is that whole drag queen thing too, but that is incidental.