12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

"Cassandra" (Red Dwarf) / directed by Ed Bye (1999, VHS off-air). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Chloë Annett, Norman Lovett, Geraldine McEwan, Mac McDonald, Graham McTavish, Jake Wood, Shend. In Greek mythology Cassandra had the power of prophecy but was cursed by the fact no one would believe her. In fact, the term "Cassandra Warning" has even been used here on OlyBlog on occasion. In Red Dwarf, Cassandra is a computer with 100% prophetic accuracy, and became so annoying her keepers banished her to languish at the bottom a moon sea. Geraldine McEwan met a special challenge in acting the title role due to the fact she had to emote purely from facial expression since she was filmed from only the neck up, which gave her chance to deliver some pretty heady lines (nyuk, nyuk, nyuk). Too bad she didn't get a chance to share dialogue with Norman Lovett's Holly. This episode has an interesting mixture of "guy humor" with some sophisticated concepts, like free will vs. determinism. At one point in conversation with Cassandra, Lister announces his allegiance to the mainstream, romantic view of free will: "If the future's all worked out, horoscopes and all that stuff, it means we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just actors sayin' lines in a script that's been written by somebody else. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe I'm in charge of me own life, me own destiny ... Tomorrow's a new day, a fresh page in a book that's not been written yet. What happens in the future is up to me, not some predetermined destiny smeg." No sooner does he utter these stirring lines when he is proven totally wrong. I love it.

Home, Tweet Home / directed by Friz Freleng (1950, VHS off-air). Mel Blanc (voices). So. Cats eat birds. That is how Mother Nature works. It is all natural. So then why are cats portrayed as the bad guys in these cartoons? Were we trying to beat down our animal instincts in the 1950s or what? Personally, I would give a good sum of money to see Sylvester consume, in a natural bloody fashion, that disturbingly fetus-headed yellow Tweety-Bird. In the Warner Bros. mammal vs. bird universe (Sylvester/Tweety, Roadrunner/Coyote) I find myself siding with the predator. I guess that means two things: 1. I'm doomed to always siding with the underdog, and 2. I'm doomed. Period. Some good visual gags in this cartoon, particularly the bubble gum sequence. Very nice job by Carl Stalling of matching the music to the action. God, after all these years of watching cartoons I have to admit I really despise Tweety Bird. I would love to see his scattered remnants in Sylvester's scat. I hope you all notice Tweety doesn't actually have wings but little tiny arms with hands. Creeeeepy. That bird is obviously the byproduct of nuclear bomb testing.

Merry Mavericks / directed by Edward Bernds (1951, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Shemp Howard, Emil Sitka. This short combines the Old West cowboy stories with the haunted house genre. Visually, and I'm writing in relative terms here, this is one of the better Three Stooges episodes I've seen. The Shempster still rules as the greatest Stooge! Violence count (somewhat meager, I'll admit): Head konk 6, Face slap 3, Punch in the eye 2, one each of finger bitten, foot stomped, and boot spur in butt.

Damned If You Don't (American Gothic) / directed by Lou Antonio (1995, DVD). Gary Cole, Paige Turco, Jake Weber, Brenda Bakke, Lucas Black, Sarah Paulson, Muse Watson, Brigid Brannagh, Steve Rankin. OK, so I originally read the "FBI Anti-Piracy Warning" as "FBI Anti-Parody Warning." Yes, in spite of the built-in humor of this series, it remains too serious on balance and something worthy of parody. More self-involved than it should be. This episode demonstrates how cutting cards with the Devil has consequences, placing you in a realm beyond that of human law. Oddly, the justice dealt by Hell in this narrative doesn't really seem that unjustified. Score one point for the Forces of Darkness. Sheriff Buck, the epitome of good ol' boy law enforcement, is some sort of demonic godfather, trading "favors." Nice eerie linking shots. Those of you who are in the midst of raising teenage daughters (as I once was) might want to pass this one up and move on. Nothing to see here. Nothing. Move along. The bad guys win in this one.

The Bishop's Wife / directed by Henry Koster (1947, VHS). Cary Grant, Loretta Young, David Niven, Monty Woolley, James Gleason, Elsa Lanchester, Regis Toomey. One of the better Christmas films. "Sometimes Henry, angels must rush in where fools fear to tread." What an interesting and conflicting movie to watch right after the previous entry. Either way, whether we mortals are dealing with angels or demons-- we're screwed! Interesting how a right-wing law enforcement officer is actually a tool of Hell in the previous review while an angel is viewed as a social radical in this work. This particular angel (Grant) recognizes the value of good librarianship, "This card index file is in an awful mess. Think I'll reorganize it." I instantly liked him after that line. Who else could've pulled off the role of an angel with such class? Quite odd to see the normally suave David Niven in the role of a stick-in-the-mud bishop paired with the luminous Loretta Young.

Cat's Eye / directed by Lewis Teague (1985, DVD). Drew Barrymore, James Woods, Alan King, Kenneth McMillan, Robert Hays, James Rebhorn. Three tales by Stephen King are linked by a tabby cat with an attitude and the Police song "Every Breath You Take." The 3 story device and the cat does remind me of some Roger Corman films of the 1960s, but this 1985 creation lacks the delicious hamminess of Corman's work. Still, these are nice little minifilms. The first two deal with addiction, one with nicotine the other with gambling. The third concerns a strange little troll, which was something of a fad in the 1980s (as evidenced by the 1984 motion picture Gremlins, which I can't believe I paid money to see in a theater at the time). When you view this in terms of defining "troll" as in Internet it becomes funnier as the little guy attempts to suck the positive lifeforce out anything it touches. The special effects here were pretty good, truth to tell. Standout performances by James Woods as the nicotine addict, Alan King as a Mob figure, and especially Kenneth McMillan as the sleazoid high-rolling Atlantic City gambler. The soundtrack is quintessential 80s. The feline subplot is a little hard to follow, but then cats are supposed to be enigmatic. Cats rule, dogs (and trolls) drool, man.

Dead Again / directed by Kenneth Branagh (1991, VHS). Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Derek Jacobi, Andy Garcia, Robin Williams, Wayne Knight, Hanna Schygulla. Whenever I buy a used VHS cassette and notice the previous viewer stopped the tape halfway through and didn't rewind, I usually take that as a bad sign. Sure enough, as I watched this sordid narrative of murder, reincarnation, karma, hypnotism, scissors and gender roles, I did find the first half to be quite slow. But it picked up as the unexpected twists presented themselves. Billed as a murder mystery, there are subtle parts that are actually quite funny-- on purpose I think. Garcia, Williams, and Knight are delegated to the status of supporting character actors and all three really spice up the movie. Garcia was arresting as an old man in a nursing home and stole the picture in the few minutes that scene took place. Williams is astoundingly toned down yet very effective. Good choice by Branagh to show the past lives sequences in black and white. Jacobi gives us an inside joke when he repeats part of his role in I, Claudius during a key scene. Interesting mix in the cast and an elegant, if odd, way of solving a decades-old homicide. Personally, I find the whole concept of reincarnation to be very disturbing. I hope it isn't true.

Gli amanti d'oltretomba = Nightmare Castle / directed by Mario Caiano (1965, DVD). Barbara Steele, Paul Muller, Helga Liné. This is sort of like the previously reviewed Dead Again, except some small details like this film is in black and white, clumsily dubbed from Italian to English, includes disturbing scenes of sadism and torture, and has choppy editing which makes the story hard to follow. Like a twisted version of the Patty Duke Show, Barbara Steele plays dual roles with equal effectiveness. She is the movie ("You can kill my body, but I'll never leave you in peace! Never! Never!") her and that amazing haunting face born for Gothic horror films. Muller is chillingly and calmly psychopathic while Liné is freaked out in a moon age daydream, oh yeah. Ennio Morricone's soundtrack perfectly fits the genre. The brutality and violence is presented in a very matter of fact way and left me feeling depressed. I don't need to see this movie again. I'm glad it wasn't in color.

Mysterious Fires / directed by Art Clokey (1957, VHS). Art Clokey (voice). Here's the REAL Nightmare Castle! Don't watch this before going to bed, it will makes your dreams toxic. Don't watch this while under the influence of any mind altering substance, the experience will scar you for life. Don't allow children to see this. This story involves a castle, a knight, a dragon and Gumby extending his eye like a telescope. There is something really off when it comes to cadence of the dialogue, as if the characters are talking like a pasted letter kidnap note. By the way many years, er, decades ago I created a delightful Gumby-like character called Mukey the Mutant Membrane. Even my own daughter thought Gumby was more "refreshing" than Mukey, but I have to tell you I think ol' Muke would be the perfect icon for rallying people if the H1N1 virus gets worse. Better than Gumby would be.

Dinopoodi / directed by Eddie Bernds, Eddie Rehberg, Sam Cornell, Dave Detiege (1965/66, DVD). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Joe DeRita, Emil Sitka. A series of lame cartoons with the Three Stooges voicing their own animated selves had a short-lived career. The aging Stooges themselves appeared on film to introduce and conclude the cartoons, woefully with little violence or sound effects. This particular episode can only be called a very sad attempt at entertainment as the cartoon Stooges win a prize, a strange animal called a Dinopoodi. You know, I recently purchased a new food sensation called Lil' Joey Pancake Pockets. Here's what it is: A box with 20 little pancakes, each individually wrapped one about the size of a furniture cup (and just as tasty). You pop one in the microwave for 15 seconds and it is ready to eat. Each one contains a strawberry filling. On the surface of the pancake is a cartoon face of Lil' Joey itself. A "joey" is apparently a baby kangaroo. If you think about it, eating a pancake with a pouch filled with red gooey stuff can be kind of gross if you start equating it with baby kangaroos in development. Anyway, the last couple times I had these treat I had to chase it with a bottle of that pink stuff and some Tums. So this morning I'm not sure which one made me feel more ill, this cartoon or Lil' Joey.

Great Guy / directed by John G. Blystone (1936, DVD). James Cagney, Mae Clarke, James Burke, Henry Kolker, Joe Sawyer. It is public vs. private sector as Cagney fights for protection of the consumer as a rep of the New York City Dept. of Weights and Measures. Respectable businessmen are revealed to be total crooks and are willing to play hardball to preserve their rackets. "What's the use of trying to be subtle?" Cagney asked himself before telling off one such pillar of capitalism, "I might as well be myself." I agree. It is fun to watch his character make a sincere attempt, and continually fail, to refrain from using his fists. There is a strong thread of celebrating Irish-Americans as the true keepers of the American spirit. The final few minutes on my copy (Genius Entertainment) became a digital train wreck, but I saw enough to know the good guys won. One of the few big star movies of the short-lived Grand National Pictures.

Life of Brian / directed by Terry Jones (1979, VHS off-air). Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Carol Cleveland, Neil Innes, Charles McKeowen, Spike Milligan, George Harrison (uncredited). The best of the Monty Python movies. Although the film was heavily criticized by the Religious Right at the time it was first released, the Pythons equally made fun of Left extremist groups. Basically, the guys were ridiculing mindless followers of all political stripes and flavors. This story follows the life of an alternative Messiah-by-circumstance who existed at the same time and same place as Jesus Christ. Great production values and standout performances by Palin as Pilate, Jones (disturbingly) as Brian's Mother, Cleese as a Basil Fawlty figure who serves as the MC at a stoning, and Gilliam as various old crazy coots. Graham Chapman, may he really rest in peace, was terrific as the title character. Apparently Keith Moon was supposed to be in this, but the poor sod had to go and die which was a tragic loss since the guy was a natural ham. A great film with a strong libertarian/individualist message and an excellent effort by one of the top comedy ensembles of the 20th century.