12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from the dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

My Dear Secretary / directed by Charles Martin (1949, DVD). Laraine Day, Kirk Douglas, Keenan Wynn, Rudy Vallee, Florence Bates, Alan Mowbray, Irene Ryan, Grady Sutton, Ben Welden (uncredited). This is a screwball comedy at half speed, with some very strange casting choices. Douglas is a best-selling novelist who avoids his writer's block by feeding a gambling addiction and romancing whoever happens to be his secretary that week. Laraine Day is the secretary who derails his pattern. Neither one of these otherwise fine thespians really have the snap in their patter, the gift of double-take, or the cadence of comedy in their presentation. As a consequence, the small army of familiar character actors pick up the slack and salvage vast portions of the story. Keenan Wynn as the amoral opportunistic sidekick reveals he has a strong comic streak, but I kept wishing the role had gone to Vincent Price, who he seems to be imitating. Lots of messages about men = chaos, women = order. The feminist moments in this movie took me by surprise, making me wonder (considering the era and setting) if this was by accident or just my 21st century serious interpretation of something considered humorous in 1949. Watch this as a double feature with Wonder Boys (2000) starring Kirk's son Michael as a best-selling novelist who avoids writer's block by feeding a marijuana addiction.

I Dream of Jeanie / directed by Allan Dwan (1952, DVD). Ray Middleton, Bill Shirley, Muriel Lawrence, Eileen Christy, Rex Allen, Carl "Alfalfa" Switzer, Glenn Strange (uncredited). Although billed as biopic on the life of 19th century pop composer Stephen Foster, this low-budget (although in color!) Republic Pictures effort has very little to do with historical reality. In fact, as the story slogs on it has little to do with Foster himself. As a light bit of musical Americana it seems to celebrate the 1950s more than the 1850s. Most of the cast are singers, not actors. Am I the first person to think the actress Sarah Jessica Parker went back in time and appeared under the name Muriel Lawrence? The resemblance is eerie-- except Parker can really act. The storyline treats us to wooden displays of turmoil and the universal struggle between pop and hoit-de-la-toit cultures. Foster's debt to African American musical influence is acknowledged at the start of the film, but the motion picture takes a real unfortunate nosedive (and never recovers) after an embarrassingly lengthy Christy Minstrels show in blackface. The one actor here who really acts is Ray Middleton. He treats the role of historical showman Edwin P. Christy as something of a cross between Col. Tom Parker and Vincent Crummles-- and takes over the screen whenever he appears. My favorite scene is the part where Stephen Foster and his dog sing a duet.

Kids in the Hall. Season 2, episode 1 (1990, DVD). Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney, Scott Thompson. Spring, Comfortable, Trucker #2, Hard day, Off swingin', The doctor, Bobby and the Devil. An episode that improves with each skit. Foley's monologue as a failed physician who is revealing his own professional shortcomings is a bit frightening ("How far can you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually.") The standout writing and acting is "Bobby and the Devil" with McCulloch as the teen rocker vs. Satan (McKinney) in a Metal guitar duel. McKinney's body language is priceless. It helps that most of this bit was created as a short film rather than a sketch in front of a live audience.

Lost Souls / directed by Janusz Kaminski (2000, VHS). Winona Ryder, Ben Chaplin, Sarah Wynter, Philip Baker Hall, John Hurt. "What do you want to bet," Sarah said as the initial credits rolled, "It is going to have Gregorian chants in some way?" I never hung around long enough to see if she was right. Twice I have tried to sit through this bowser, and twice I failed to complete the journey. The plot has something to do with liquid, madness, numerology, Satan, AntiChrist, exorcism, religious faith and a bunch of other delightful topics people were uptight about at the turn of the millennium. A lot of very creative visual tricks are employed by the director, such as slow motion, extreme close-ups, strange angles. Unfortunately most of these shots, interesting though they may be, have little to do with the story and are more distracting than anything else. It comes across as pretentious film school showing off. But I did like the stark high-contrast lighting and visual composition. Ultimately I had to give up and, I'm not kidding here, went to watch my laundry go through the final spin cycle-- a far more interesting form of entertainment.

"The Last Day" (Red Dwarf) / directed by Ed Bye (1989, VHS off-air). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Hattie Hayridge, Gordon Kennedy. The mechanoid Kryten 2X4B-523P is told his life as a valid household appliance is over, and his termination must take place before his replacement android arrives on board Red Dwarf. But here's the deal: Kryten has evolved since his factory release and has developed too human traits. Lister urges him to fight back, but Kryten believes in a Silicon Heaven as a final reward. When Lister asks if that is the same place as Human Heaven, Kryten makes one of the most daring lines ever uttered on television during the era of the Reagan/Bush/Thatcher Jihad, one of the reasons I love this series: "Humans don't go to Heaven. Someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts." Since Kryten's number is up, Lister organizes a big bash and we get to see all the crew members get drunk. "I think," says Kryten, "I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on." On the hangover morning after, the guys decide to stand by their mate and not allow him to be replaced. "You would gamble your safety for a mere android?" asks Kryten, "Is this the human value you call ... friendship?" Lister brings it all down to Earth (so to speak) as only the BBC can, "Don't give me this Star Trek crap! It's too early in the morning." Rimmer does a nice brief imitation of Kryten at one point. Good episode showing us rare and sensitive sides of the regular characters without losing any of the humor. The remastered version for VHS/DVD release has a less charming soundtrack than the original broadcast off-air recording I am reviewing.

"Eye of the Beholder" (The Twilight Zone) / directed by Douglas Heyes (1960, VHS). Maxine Stuart, William D. Gordon, Rod Serling (narrator). Although the punchline is predictable, this tale on relativity, conformity, and tolerance remains engaging. Since human faces are absent on the screen during the majority of this episode, most of the expression is conveyed through hand motion and voices. The script must have been incredibily restrictive for director Heyes, yet he performed an impressive job given the limitations. I would suggest "watching" this by closing your eyes and just listening to the audio until it is obvious the main character's head wrappings come off. Then it will be time to open your eyes. Yow! In 1960, this tale was a condemnation of the previous decade and "Glorious Conformity."

"Learning to Crawl" (American Gothic) / directed by Michael Lange (1996, DVD). Gary Cole, Lucas Black, Nick Searcy, Brenda Bakke, Sarah Paulson, Paige Turco, John Mese, Ted Raimi, Stuart Greer, Regan Forman. Satan wears a badge, speaks with a Southern drawl, and takes his kid fishing. Oh, right, and on the side there's a near death experience, a hostage situation, and lessons for the child on how to use his powers against people. The story has the romantic premise that human beings actually have free will, and Sheriff Lucifer Buck is always there to assist you in making the choice in favor of your dark side. Corny but sort of fun.

The Impractical Joker / directed by Dave Fleischer (1937, DVD). Jack Mercer (uncredited voice), Mae Questel (uncredited voice). Irving, who looks the traditional goofy googly-eyed cartoon character, has played one practical joke too many on Betty Boop. She turns to Grampy for help. The result is a joke war, Grampy vs. Irving, demonstrating quite bluntly how sometimes humor is really a form of aggression. How many times have we seen sopmeone poke and dig, and when confronted they get mock wide-eyed and declare, "What's the matter, can't you take a joke? Lighten up!"

Close Encounters of the Third Kind / directed by Steven Spielberg (1977, VHS). Richard Dreyfuss, François Truffaut, Teri Garr, Melinda Dillon, Bob Balaban, Cary Guffey, Luis Contreras, J. Allen Hynek (uncredited), Howard K. Smith (uncredited). Believe it or not, I never saw the original, so I have no idea how different this "Collector's Edition" VHS is from the screen version, but I must say this is one fine movie even after three decades. At the time, even from the periphery, I was aware this film had transformed the popular view of UFOs from something that needed to be feared and destroyed to something that needed to be studied as another culture. In Spielberg's idealistic vision, even though the alien ships land in the USA, the group coordinating the first contact is international. The second unlikely scenario is that scientists simply working to push the frontiers of knowledge have more clout than the military. The script is a bit half-baked when it comes to human relationships. The main hero basically forgets all about his wife and three children as he pursues his obsession with alien ships, and there doesn't appear to be much of an inner struggle there. Even so, Dreyfuss is at his best as the everyguy who has his life changed forever. The rest of the casting was dead-on as well. Cary Guffey was an exceptionally good child actor. Melinda Dillon is one of the more overlooked actresses in modern times, and she was great in this as she is in other efforts. Teri Garr showed us she isn't just about comedy and Truffaut showed us he isn't just about directing. And Bob Balaban had hair! The special effects were classy, particularly the way the ships and aliens were filmed in a method that shrouded them in bright light or shadow, still leaving something of mystery. I like the way music becomes an important method of communication. Brilliant.

"The Lure of Light" (Flash Gordon) / directed by Wallace Worsley Jr. (1955, DVD). Steve Holland, Irene Champlin, Joseph Nash. Breaking the sound barrier was still gee-whiz stuff in 1955, so now let's head for the breaking the speed the light. Steve Holland's version of Flash Gordon is no Ace Rimmer, he spends most of his time behind a desk dealing with bureaucracy. I nearly fell asleep. Since this was filmed with an American starring cast in West Berlin, most of the supporting actors have German accents-- some so thick I cannot understand their lines. One advisor to Flash reminded me very much of Werner von Braun, the German-American rocket scientist. Brush with fame: Here in McCleary I once hosted one of the original band members of the Butthole Surfers, a fellow who went to school with von Braun's kids. He didn't have a favorable opinion of them, I wasn't sure why. Also, fans of Tom Lehrer's satirical songs from the 1960s can stop hating von Braun-- turns out the V-2 and NASA scientist's suit was an urban myth according to a 2003 interview with Tom.

Here Come the Teletubbies / directed by David Hiller (1998, VHS). Rolf Saxon, John Simmit, Nikky Smedley, Pui Fan Lee, Simon Shelton. The title of this journey into terror should be said out loud in the same tone you would reserve for, "Zombies are approaching from across the grassy knoll!" These characters have already been covered in OlyBlog when I compared the show in some detail with The Prisoner series, and also pointed out a concept that was possibly swiped from Red Dwarf. You'd think a baby's face (representing innocence) superimposed over the sun (radiant and positive life force) would be a super amazing wonderful image. But two rights don't make a righter right. The Sun Baby freaks out most adult viewers. Teleytubbyland is crawling with rabbits, symbols of fertility, warning the audience more of these weird nuclear accident byproduct Teletubby creatures are coming if we keep messing with technology! Televisions embedded in their abdomens. Antennas sunk deep into their craniums, receiving radio signals for thought control. A windmill distributes some kind of sparkly drug to keep their behavior in check. They eat something called tubby custard but looks like cat puke. The seams and zippers on their surprisingly sordid and worn-looking costumes are plainly visible. The soundtrack is filled with a wide variety of gastrointestinal sounds, which is not only a passive-aggressive method of communication, but also probably making Teletubbyland a place where you would think twice before taking a nice deep breath. The smartest character in the show is the vacuum cleaner, Noo Noo. Jerry Falwell thought he was breaking some kind of big news when he accused Tinky Winky of being gay (purple, triangle, red "bag" [i.e. purse]), but those of us familiar with the show replied, "Yeah. We know. So what?" Jerry entirely missed the Big Picture here, allowing himself to be sidetracked on one his many pet little bigot trips when he could've been a real hero and warned the world about the insidious evil plan of this series to weld the brains of our children to television. I'm guessing Jerry just didn't like the competition-- but he had no need for worry, he was much funnier. When our OlyBlogger comrade Olymp-ian was in Puerto Rico I sent him a talking Laa-Laa doll, and I understand after the long trek that figure was greeted with multiple sharp knife stabs by surrounding witnesses screaming in horror as the package was opened. Although Sarah watched this video and said, "I don't see how this would teach anything other than stark fear," my cat Charlie sat and stared at it in an enthralled state.

Tortoise Beats Hare / directed by Tex Avery (1941, DVD). Mel Blanc (uncredited voice). Bugs Bunny reads the title and opening credits and is angered by this predetermined conclusion to the story. In this tale where the rabbit attempts to fight fate, we see a rare case where Bugs Bunny is bested. Might be a good short film for a college philosophy class discussing predestination.