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Submitted by DrewHendricks on Thu, 11/09/2006 - 12:01pm.
It's difficult to know where to start, and more difficult still to say all that needs to be said, without making anyone feel any worse than we already do. But I have an apology to make, to my community.
» A week ago, I deeply offended a friend of mine - someone I'm not even sure reads this blog. I've called her since, but have yet to get a chance to apologize to her in person, or at least "live" on the phone. I can't say I'd expect her to want to extend that hand, again, but all I can do is ask forgiveness. No one can expect such a grace. Now, it has become apparent to me that this offense of mine has become an issue with other women in my community - and thus the need for this apology to those who read this. What follows is a graphic description of what it is that I did to be so deeply offensive, so this is your fair warning - you might not want to read this if you are a sexual assault survivor. If you think of me as some kind of hero, your bubble is about to pop. A friend of mine whom I have known now for a year and a half or so, came up to me in the Eastside Club last Thursday - their cheap beer night. I'd had enough beer, and then some more beer on top of that beer. I was quite drunk. This is not offered as explanation or excuse, however. It's not an excuse for what I did - but it is the circumstance in which I did it. In vino, veritas. As she approached me, I held out my left arm and she slid into my loose, side-by-side embrace. Friends. My hand above her hips, in the small of her back. Then I opened my mouth, the better to insert my shoe. My 'joke' if such a bitter lament can be called that, was inappropriate and I'll not tell it here in full. The point of it - the 'punchline' - was that the teller is a dirty old man (and I am, in actuality, a dirty old man now) and the person I was embracing was put in the disturbing position of being the object of my 'attentions.' She's about half my age, a little older, but an adult (and has been one considerably longer than I had been, at her age). She's whip smart, and alive, and wonderful to be around. But that evening, I saw her "face, at first just ghostly, turned a lighter shade of pale." Yeah, that's from a song. The line happens in the song just after the "miller tells his tale" - an off color joke. And despite that, despite being disgusted with patriarchy and our culture as a whole, I engaged in exactly that disturbing dynamic. And potentially lost a friend. Or more. In remembering my Thursday evening last Friday, I realized I had made a mistake and called to ask forgiveness; but I did not leave a message. I prefer my apologies live, not recorded - call it operational security, call it ego preservation, whatever. Some shows are just better live, and crow consumption is one of them. Which does not much help any of you, since I am unlikely to be at an olyblog event, given my schedule. Which brings me to what is really heavy for me to say. Fu*k the schedule. Speaking only for myself, this episode can and should clear my plate right here and now until it's dealt with. I'm not defending what I did, I'm disgusted by it, too - but I can't deal with it alone and it's not just my issue. There's a whole lot of other men - and women too - who use patriarchal rules to get by, to meet our needs. I won't apologize for feeling sexual attraction to an adult who is younger than I am, because I happen to think that feeling is normal and natural for a man in his third year of divorce. But I was way, way out of line to make my friend feel as she must have felt to look so ashen. I'm sorry. I'm asking for you all to help me with this, to meet with your friends (if not with me) and to clear your own plates - and your own distractions - and deal with this issue, now. There's a mens group forming to deal with some of this now. I don't have all the details. Anyone who does should post them. |
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Well Drew, I'm not sure if
Submitted by Norm on Thu, 11/09/2006 - 7:49pm.Well Drew, I'm not sure if you want feedback from the peanut-gallery, so if you don't just say so and I'll delete this.
It takes a pretty big guy to up and admit when he made a stupid decision and honestly wants to apologize for that. Being that I'm male I can sympathize, I've been in the crow eating, egg facial situations a few times.
Updates
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Fri, 11/10/2006 - 12:09pm.I got a call from C, and she has invited me to meet her Friday at her workplace (I'll probably buy her lunch - maybe an omlette?). We shall see, I've yet to give her the actual apology.
As for the peanut gallery, constructive or self reflective comments are appreciated. Boots flying at me while I'm down will result in broken ankles for those wearing the boots. Fair?
Norm's comment is fair, although hearing that I'm a 'big guy' is always a double entendre. It's funny what body self-image issues can do to a simple 'compliment' or comment about someone's size, or weight, etc. This is much more acute for 'attractive' women than you might imagine... I can't tell you how many times various friends (and even this particular friend) have told me about their issues with compliments. I've had similar experiences being told I "looked great" after I'd lost weight (I was starving - literally eating out of dumpsters - at the time). Any time you comment about someone's appearance, you're valuing that appearance more than other aspects of that person's being. It's a serious social / mental health issue, and not just for women. But it kills more women than men.
Keep in mind that I'm not a great soul for taking the basic step of apologizing - I'll be a great soul once I no longer screw up and have to apologize in the first place. I'm not holding my breath until that happens, I'm going forward and making new mistakes instead. And when I need to, apologizing for those mistakes.
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Take my word for it, I meant
Submitted by Norm on Fri, 11/10/2006 - 1:06pm.Take my word for it, I meant "big" as in socially, morally, etc. not physical appearance.
Yep - I know
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Fri, 11/10/2006 - 3:06pm."The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
She accepted my apology
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Fri, 11/10/2006 - 3:34pm.Oh, yes - the women enforce patriarchy, too. I know many of you will not want to hear that, but it's none the less true. And one of those ways women do this is by witholding affection, witholding critique, and showing their displeasure indirectly among friends, rather than directly stating to their friend what it was that set them off. If you're reading this and becoming angry, now is the time for you to call. Letting a mistake become a rift is not a good idea.
* - a man's apology to a woman should always be considered 'open' until she has eaten some food which he has provided, prepared, or purchased. It's a little known rule but in my own life, I have found it to be true. I'm just not sure it's actually gender specific, though.* Actually, the food is an excuse to have the time to talk about it without an 'agenda' on the table.
*When my male friends piss me off we usually just punch each other until it stops hurting. Oh, sorry! (Satire_Mode = OFF)
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Direct
Submitted by Sarah on Fri, 11/10/2006 - 10:01pm.I am so relieved to read this Drew, to know that you understand this. I was trying to figure out some way to say the exact same thing.
Direct communication has a chance. Indirect hints and expecting someone to read our minds does not.
I think I just heard angels
Submitted by Norm on Sat, 11/11/2006 - 10:00am.I think I just heard angels singing. I think, that this is the first time I've ever seen a woman admit that. And in writing no less!
B.S is B.S.
Submitted by Sarah on Sat, 11/11/2006 - 10:16am.Abuse is abuse. Manipulation is manipulation. No matter what the words are or supposed message. What ultimately counts is the goal of the communication. If the underlying goal is to feel better by making someone feel like shit, doesn't matter what the message is.
I've several times sat down with men folk of various ages, heard their concerns that perhaps they are somehow sexist without knowing it, maybe even being a man is somehow an assault, and outright told them that the women who did this to them are being bitches. Taking a man who is doing the very best he can, who works to be aware of his cultural training, who really strives to treat women right.......and purposefully f*cking with his mind until he cannot even think straight and is certain that he is responsible for all sorts of gender related hell.......pisses me off.
I don't think any of us really learn anything of use through abuse and manipulation. No matter what our personal beliefs about intuition etc. we humans really should not expect each other to read minds. Hints and clues aren't always picked up on, and it is not the guy's fault. Direct communication is the way to go.
I've seen women get away with emotional murder because they do so in the guise of calling the man out on supposed sexist behavior. I've seen women humiliate and shame men purposefully. I've heard women accuse men of all sorts of elaborate shit when really the guy was plain and simple doing the very best he can.
Yes, I am a feminist and I wrote this rant.
Well, some people are just plain mean...
Submitted by jlw on Sat, 11/11/2006 - 10:54am.Agreed
Submitted by Sarah on Sat, 11/11/2006 - 11:00am.Suddenly, an image comes to mind
Submitted by stevenl on Sun, 11/12/2006 - 1:34pm.I don't know why, but it seems to fit.
What an amazing image!
Submitted by jlw on Sun, 11/12/2006 - 10:02pm.The Singing Butler
Submitted by stevenl on Mon, 11/13/2006 - 6:31am.Acknowledged
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Tue, 11/14/2006 - 6:56pm.Unfortunately, this reaction is also patriarchal. A core assumption of patriarchy is that the 'other' person needs to assume and internalize the needs and requirements of the patriarchal enforcer, who is not required to make these rules explicit or obvious. When women use this, they may often use it on their husbands - but they also use it on their children. It's a means to get more power in a relationship - and thus it is patriarchally enforcing, no matter who wins the battle. The war is "won" in that relationships remain defined by unequal power.
I know that the use of anger and silence can draw a man's attention to the mystery of the anger's cause, but the situation frequently degenerates to "Honey, why are you so angry? What did I do wrong?" "I already told you - you didn't listen." And there we're stuck, until the transgressor guesses correctly and apologizes, or the transgressed person simply lays it out. Too much time goes by, and you could honestly forget what set you off at all (or at least as much detail as you would need to overcome skepticism). No one wins.
Men are not mind readers, at least not outside of certain classified rooms in Camp Xray. If women want us to realize that we don't always see the ways in which we step on them, then they need to also accept responsibility to do some explaining, especially when we finally ask.
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Dr. Deborah Tannen's take on it...
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Tue, 11/14/2006 - 8:18pm.By Deborah Tannen
The Washington Post, March 1, 1987
copyright Deborah Tannen
"A WOMAN asked another woman in her office if she would like to have lunch. The colleague said no, she was sorry, she had a report to finish. The woman repeated the invitation the next week. Again her colleague declined, saying she had not been feeling well.
The first woman was confused. So she asked her colleague what her refusals meant: Was she really just busy one week and ailing the next, or was she trying to say she simply didn't want to have lunch, so stop asking? The response only confused her more: "Well, um, sure, y' know, I really haven't been feeling well and last week really was difficult with that report which, by the way, was about a very interesting case. It was. . . ."
The woman was frustrated. She couldn't understand why her colleague didn't just say what she meant. But the other woman was frustrated too. She couldn't understand why she was being pushed to say no directly, when she had made perfectly clear that she was not interested in pursuing a friendship.
One woman was expecting directness; to her, indirectness is dishonest. The other was expecting her indirectness to be understood; to her, directness is rude, and being direct would mean being a sort of person that she finds unappealing. Both felt that their own ways of talking were obviously right. Neither realized that both systems can be right or wrong; each works well with other people who operate on the same system, and both fail with people who do not. They instinctively tried to dispel the tension by doing more of the same. Neither thought of adopting the other's system.
Many Americans believe that the only purpose of language is to convey information and that information should be stated outright. But there are many reasons why meaning should not be stated outright, why indirectness is useful and even necessary."
More here
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Y'know, reading through this
Submitted by Norm on Tue, 11/14/2006 - 8:38pm.Y'know, reading through this whole thread just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I feel that if it weren't for procreation men and women would never date. I read threads like this and think, "Yeah! That was like my last relationship!" and I begin to wonder, "Why on earth do people ever get married, let alone have children?" I can't come up with a good answer.
The Grand Mystery
Submitted by Sarah on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 10:29am......because we are utterly absurd critters who delight in doing utterly absurd things.
.....because we are mammals and we crave warmth, bonding, and lair.
.....because it is worth all the struggle and strife.
.....because God occasionally finds us entertaining and smiles upon us.
.....because for no reason whatsoever at all, just cause, cause I said so.
.....because it blows our puny little minds.
Lol I think the last one is
Submitted by Norm on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 10:55am."Partner"
Submitted by bubbaz (not verified) on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 12:49pm.Never heard this term used on the other coast..
But once one lets it sink in, the (long) term relationship stuff becomes alot less harder to imagine..
It doesnt matter what the sexes involved are..
A marriage is a long-term friendship first and foremost..
"I don't want every break in the world. I just want justice..." Lenny Bruce
Stick around long enough...
Submitted by jlw on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 8:24pm.I can't bring myself there.
Submitted by Norm on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 8:29pm.Partner
Submitted by Sarah on Thu, 11/16/2006 - 6:49am."Sam, my partner in this, research that is, we aren't, you know, in a relationship at all, well, we are friends, but you know, anyway, it's not like that."
Ex-
Submitted by Crenshaw Sepulveda on Thu, 11/16/2006 - 7:13am."I would make it impossible for the covetous and avaricious to utterly impoverish the poor. The rich can take care of themselves."
^@^
Former
Submitted by Sarah on Thu, 11/16/2006 - 9:51am.This reminds of what former Marines have told me, that there is no such thing as an "ex-Marine".
RE: "Stick around..."
Submitted by bubbaz (not verified) on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 8:35pm.Im not going anywhere...
"I don't want every break in the world. I just want justice..." Lenny Bruce
Ooops...
Submitted by jlw on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 10:25pm.Eggplant Parm...Ayee!
Submitted by bubbaz (not verified) on Wed, 11/15/2006 - 11:31pm.I prefer to think of myself as an (egg)plant from the Other Coast..
Ive been out here a bunch of years and will be spending the rest of my life in OLY (best town in the U.S.)..
Im also a proud *Washingtonian* (our nations best and brightest can be found here!)
"I don't want every break in the world. I just want justice..." Lenny Bruce
Please don't think I'm advocating use of the "silent treatment"
Submitted by jlw on Tue, 11/14/2006 - 9:31pm.Update
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Sat, 11/11/2006 - 8:22pm."It looks like the mens group is going to be meeting Sunday evening or Sunday night. I'm not clear on the venue yet. I'll try to post it by Saturday noon, so others here can join in if they feel the need to."
Turns out that the meeting is at a venue to be kept secret; the meeting is not open to the general public. It's probably someone's private house, or something smaller than would permit more than a few guests. Not my call, so all I can do is apologize - if you're needing to discuss patriarchy and you're a man, I guess you'll need to find somewhere / when else to discuss it... hmmm.
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Belated follow-up
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Sat, 12/09/2006 - 9:07pm.Many men, myself included, decided to dissect the trees rather than acknowledge the forest. We did not make progress.
Specifically, I (we) had required my (our) female friends to describe a particular sexist / patriarchal action 'objectively' rather than trusting them when they described what they saw. I wanted the details, the observations, and not the "labels." But violence is invisible when it flows DOWN the hierarchy. And I was blind to my own advantages and my own culpability in this hierarchy. I was not being a good friend by requiring people who felt unequal to me to behave as if they were equal to my power in my role as a man.
By holding my sisters' complaints to a "fair" standard, I was subjecting myself to a limited scope of liability. I was defining myself out of the problem and assuming (Ass Uming) I was their ally, their benefactor, their mentor. That I could intervene for them against men who afflicted them. I was wrong to assume my ally status - that is for them to decide, not me.
By holding them to such a "fair" standard I was also committing the mistake of seeing them as equals. Which sounds wrong, but isn't.
They are, of course, my equals. Except that society and our culture are stacked against feminine ways of doing things and getting needs met, and they do not enjoy equal standing, are not believed, are not listened to, are not as likely to be taken seriously in conversation. Expecting my women friends to play hardball with the boys favors the women who act like boys and the boys who act like boys.
Being "fair" is not always fair - especially if we agree that we don't all want to be boys.
Turned out that the women I thought were not my friends were the women who finally got me to look at myself hard in the mirror and see the dragon in that reflection. They were my true friends, and I was no friend to them.
Sometimes truth is a bitch. (No pun intended.)
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Well, I hope you are feeling
Submitted by Norm on Sat, 12/09/2006 - 9:59pm.Mens Repair Manual , how to turn a man into a human (again.)
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 6:49pm."A gender role is a set of behavioral norms associated particularly with males or females, in a given social group or system. It can be a form of division of labour by gender. It is a focus of analysis in the social sciences and humanities. Gender is one component of the gender/sex system, which refers to "The set of arrangements by which a society transforms biological sexuality into products of human activity, and in which these transformed needs are satisfied" (Reiter 1975: 159). Most societies have a gender/sex system, although the components and workings of this system vary widely from society to society.[citation needed]. Some see "gender roles" as oppressive stereotypical expectations imposed by society."
I'm still feeling a bit weepy, actually. One of the great things about aquiring new viewpoints or senses is the process of reconsidering all the old tapes of what went on (in your life and head) and then seeing that with those new eyes. Considering I'm not very happy with what I was up to, and not making any excuses for it, I'm getting a load of pain and guilt. And I'm expressing that in various ways.<p>
One tricky bit will be doing so in helpful, non exploitational ways and not continuing an unhealthy emotional dumping pattern, for instance. So as much as a face to face with certain friends would be advisable, I might want to unload somewhere and somewhen else, first. Finding that venue is the next step.
I'll be spending Christmas - the High Mass of the Annointed One in a religion to which I hold no fielty, in a state and watershed not my own, with people to whom I must relate now on a totally different level. OMGOMGOMGWTFAIGD?* FUBAR** or FORD***?*Oh My God (3x) WTF Am I Gonna Do?
** Fudged Up Beyond All Repair
*** Fix Or Repair Daily
A lot of this will of course go over your head, especially if you don't have senses for the nouns we're talking about. You'd be hard put to define "blue" if your eyes have seen nothing your whole life.
Here's a start:
ARE YOU A MANARCHIST QUESTIONNAIRE
General Questions:
I. Do you ascribe to either:
A) Passive-Aggressive Patriarchy:" (often come across as a
victim/helpless/in
need/dependent and get women in your life to be your physical and
emotional
caretakers?
to buy you things? to take care of your responsibilities?
pick up your slack? use guilt or manipulation to get out of your
responsibilities
and equal share of the work? do you treat your female partner like a
"mom" or your secretary?)
B) "Aggressive Patriarchy:" (Do you often take charge? Assume that a
woman can’t do something right so you do it for her? Believe that only
you can take care of things? Think that you always have the right
answer?
Treat your female partner like she’s helpless, fragile, a baby or weak?
Do you put down your partner or minimize her feelings? Do you belittle
her opinions?)
2. How do you react when women in your life name something or someone
as patriarchal or sexist? Do you think of her or call her a "PC Thug,"
"Feminazj," "Thin-skinned," "Overly-Sensitive," a "COINTELPRO-esque"
or "Un-fun?"
3. Do you see talking about patriarchy as non-heroic, a waste of time,
trouble making, or divisive?
4. If a woman asks your opinion, do you assume she must not know
anything
about the subject?
5. Do you believe that women have "natural characteristics" which are
Inherent in our sex such as "passive," "sweet," "caring," "nurturing,"
"considerate," "generous," "weak," or "emotional?"
6. Do you make fun of "typical" men or "frat boys" but not ever check
yourself to see if you behave in the same ways?
7. Do you take on sexism and patriarchy as a personal struggle working
to fight against it in yourself, in your relationships, in society,
work,
culture, subcultures, and institutions?
8. Do you say anything when other men make sexist or patriarchal
comments?
Do you help your patriarchal and sexist friends to make change and help
educate them? Or do you continue friendships with patriarchal and
sexist
men and act like there is no problem.
Activism Questions
9. As a. man, is being a. feminist a priority to you? Do you see being
a feminist as revolutionary or radical?
10. Do you think that you define what is radical? Do you suffer from
or contribute to macho bravado" or ‘subpoena envy? (I.e. defining a
true
or "cool" and respectable activist as someone who has: been arrested,
done lockdowns, scaled walls, hung banners, done time for their actions
argued or fought with police, done property alterations, beat up nazi
boneheads, etc.)?
11. Do you take something a woman said, reword it and claim it as your
own idea/opinion?
12. Are you taking on the "shit" or "grunt" work in your organizing?
(I.e.: Cooking. cleaning. set up, clean up phone calls, email lists,
taking notes, doing support work, sending mailings, providing
childcare?)
Are you aware of the fact. that women often are taking on this work
with
no regard or for their efforts?
13. Do you take active step to make your activist groups safe and
comfortable
places for women?
14. If you are trying to get more women involved in your activist
projects,
do you try to engage them by telling them what’ to do or why they
should
join your group?
15. Do you ever find yourself monitoring and limiting your behavior and
speech in meetings and activist settings because you don't want’ to
take
up too much space or dominate the group? Are you aware of the fact that
women do this all the time?
16. Do you pay attention to group process and consensus building in
groups
or do you tend to dominate and take charge (maybe without even
realizing
it)?
Sexual/Romantic Relationships and Issues
17. Do you make jokes or negative comments about the sex lives of women
or sex work?
18. Can you only show affection and be loving to your partner in front
of friends and family or only in private?
19. Do you discuss the responsibility for preventing contraception and
getting STD screening prior to sexual contact?
20. Do you repeatedly ask or plead with women for what you want in
sexual
situations? Are you aware that unless this is a mutually consented upon
scenario/game that this is considered a form of coercion?
21. During sex, do you pay attention to your partner’s face and body
language to see if she is turned on? Engaged, or just lying there? Do
you ask a woman who she wants during sex? What turns her on?
22. Do you ask for consent?
23. Do you know if your partner has a sexual abuse, rape, or physical
abuse history?
24. Do you stay with your partner in a relationship for comfort and
security?
Sex? Financial or emotional caretaking? If you’re not completely happy
or "in love" with your partner anymore? Even though you don’t think it
will ultimately work out? Because you’re afraid or unable to be alone?
Do you suddenly end relationships when a "new" or "better" woman comes
along?
25. Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Overlap them? Or do
you take space and time for yourself in between each relationship to
reflect on the relationship and your role in it? Do you know how to be
alone? How to be single?
26. Do you cheat on your partners?
27. If your girlfriend gets on your case for patriarchal behavior or
wants to try to work on the issues of patriarchy in your relationship,
do you creak up with her or cheat on her and find another woman who
will
put up with your shit?
28. Do you agree to romantic commitment and responsibility and then
back
out of these situations?
29. Do you understand menstruation?
30. Do you make fun of women or write them off as "PMS-ING?"
Friendship Questions
31. Do you tend to set the standard and plans for fun or do you work
with the others in the group, including women to see what they want to
do?
32. Do you talk to your female friends about things you don't talk to
your male friends about especially emotional issues?
33. Do you constantly fall in love with your female friends Are you
friends
with women until you find out that they are not in love with you too
and then end the friendships? Are you only friends with women who are
in monogamous or committed relationships with other people?
34. Do you come on to your female friends even jokingly?
35. Do you only talk to your female friends (and not your male friends)
about your romantic relationships or problems in those relationships?
36. Do you find yourself only attracted to "Anarcho-Crusty Punk
Barbie",
Alterna-Grrrl Barbie," or Hardcore-Grrrl Barbie?" (The idea here being
that the only women you arc attracted to fit mainstream beauty
standards
but just dress and do their hair alternatively and maybe have piercings
and tattoos) Do you question and challenge your internalized ideals of
mainstream beauty ideals for women?
37. Have you ever heard of or discussed "sizeism" and do you think it
is low on the oppression scale?
38. Are you aware of the fact that ALL WOMEN, even women in radical
communities,
live under the CONSTANT PRESSURE and OPPRESSION of mainstream
patriarchal
beauty standards?
39. Are you aware of the fact that many women in radical communities
have had and are currently dealing with eating disorders?
40. Do you make fun of "model-types" or "mainstream" women for their
appearance?
Domestic/Household Questions
41. When was the last time you walked into your house, noticed that
something
was misplaced/dirty/etc. AND did something about it (didn’t just walk
by it, over it, away from it or leave a nasty note about it) even if
it wasn’t your chore or responsibility?
42. Are you constantly amazed by the magical "food fairy" who
mysteriously
acquires food, brings it home, puts it away, prepares it in meal form
and then cleans up afterwards?
43. Do you contribute equally to domestic life and work?
44. How many of the following activities do you contribute to in your
home (this is a partal list of what it takes to run a household):
A: Sweep and mop floors and clean carpets
B: Wash and put away dishes
C: Clean stove, countertops, sinks and appliances if they are messy and
each time after you have prepared food
D: Collect money, do food shopping, put away food and make meals for
people you live with
E: Do house laundry (kitchen towels, bathroom hand towels, washable
rugs,
etc.)
F: Clean up common room spaces, even if it’s not your chore
G: Pick up other’s slack
H: Deal with garbage, recycling, and compost
I: Take care of bills, rent, utilities
J: Deal with the landscaping and gardening
K: Clean bathrooms and make sure bathroom is clean after you use it
L: Feed, clean up after, and take care of housepets
Children & Childcare
45. Do you spend time with kids? If you do, do you spend time with
children
(yours or anyone's) in a way that is gendered? (do certain things with
boys and other things with girls?
46. If you are a father, do you CO-parent your children? (Spend equal
time AND energy AND effort AND money to raise them)?
47. Do you make childcare a priority? (at both activist events and in
daily life)
48. Do you help make the lives of single mothers in your life and
community
easier by finding out if and how you can assist?
49. Have you politicized your ideas about child rearing and parenthood
radical communities? Do you believe that individuals who are in the
movement
have children or that the movement has children?
Multi-Category Questions:
50. When was the last time you showed a woman how to do a task rather
than doing it for her and assuming she couldn’t do it?
51. When was the last time you asked a woman to show you how to do a
task?
52. Do you get emotional needs met by other women, whether or not you
are in a romantic relationship with them? Or do you cultivate caring,
nurturing relationships with other men in which you can discuss your
feelings and get your needs met by them?
53. If a woman discusses with you or calls you out on your patriarchy,
do you make an effort to be emotionally present? Listen? Not
emotionally
shut down? Not get defensive? Think about what she said? Admit you
fucked
up? Take responsibility/make reparations for the mistakes you made?
Discuss
your feelings and ideas with her? Apologize? Work harder on your own
shit to make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes again with her
or other women?
54. Do you look inside yourself to find out why you fucked up in these
relationships and work to both change your behavior and be a better
anti-patriarchy
ally in the future?
55. Do you organize regular house meetings or activist meetings to
resolve
conflict in the house/group?
56. Do you use intimidation, yelling, getting in someone’s physical
space,
threats or violence to get your point across? Do you create and
atmosphere
or violence around women or others to threaten them (i.e.: throw
things,
break things, yell and scream, threaten, attack, tease or terrorize the
animals or pets of women in your life)?
57. Do you physically, psychologically, or emotionally abuse women?
58. Do the women in your life (mothers, sisters, partners, housemates,
friends, etc.) have to "remind" you or "nag" you or "yell" at you in
order for you to get off your ass and take care of your
responsibilities?
59. Do you talk to other men about patriarchy and your part in it?
60. When was the last time you thought about or talked about any of
these
issues other than after reading this questionnaire?
Scoring: ALL MEN need to work on issues of patriarchy, sexism and
misogyny.
However, this questionnaire may point out to you areas of particular
focus or concentration for your own anti-patriarchal/sexist/misogynist
process and development.
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Word
Submitted by jlw on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 12:13am.I guess people listened to Margaret Thatcher, but a woman turning herself into Margaret Thatcher would be the equivalent of self-emasculation for a male. Is there even a word for the destruction of one's feminine power? Let's pretend this is the SAT. What's the answer to this question? castration:clitorectomy ::
emasculation: ____________.
the Chinese have the concept of yin and yang
Submitted by Crenshaw Sepulveda on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 12:51am."I would make it impossible for the covetous and avaricious to utterly impoverish the poor. The rich can take care of themselves."
^@^
Literally?
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 4:46pm.Google finds that most of the top pages use it to be a synonym for the destruction of MALE power - as it it is ENfeminization. Hmmm. That's a striking symbol of blindness, now isn't it?
Here's a quote: "Irritated Genie(Postive Kemetic Visions) - Efeminization of the Black Male" (music listing on a radio site devoted to African American music.)
"How do we counterract these trends of efeminization and metrosexuality and tell our strong, White men that it's not just OK TO BE MEN, but that it's RIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and the way God intended?!" - referring to the practice of men paying dominatrixes to be "forced into feminization, put into wigs, 'humiliated' by being led around in public thusly dressed by collar and lead... There is, unfortunately, an enormous demand for the services of Dominatrices who offer feminization, 'sissy maid training', 'pony-girl training', etc., aimed nearly exclusively at White men over 35."
WARNING - White Hate Group Site
Both black and white men worried about the emasculization of men, and using the term efeminization to mean THE SAME THING...(?!?)
Another way to term the act of stealing a woman's power as a woman might be "putting her in her place," or establishing who wears the pants in the family." Most jokes predicated on the man/stupid woman/organized, competent, practical nature actually seem to criticise patriarchy while upholding the central pillar of it - gender roles.
I should know, but had not truly considered, the fact that gender is separate from sexual organs and sexual orientation and almost any externally observable trait in a human being. I know a LOT of people who border or "cross" that line, and I know full well how cultural that line is. But the line between genders is clear enough in the logic of the roles, and I was benefitting - from credibility, from audience, from deference, from favor, and in many more ways too numerous to mention by adopting a gender role.
Some have described this as Alpha male, though I'm actually more a beta male in most respects.
But then suddenly we're talking about ME and not the word... hmmm.
Wikipedia on Defeminization
More later. Gotta go to the WIP meeting now!
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Defeminization
Submitted by jlw on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 6:09pm.There is something beyond the biological that is lost when we (women) defeminize ourselves.
yup - there it is.
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 6:55pm."By extension, the word has also come to mean “to socially render (a male person) less of a man,
I want a new word
Submitted by jlw on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 8:27pm.So the answer to THAT question (literally?) is yes, but .... figuratively, too.
Free Association
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 10:12pm.Docility. The trait of being agreeably submissive and manageable.
Synonyms: manageable, malleable; obedient.Submission. defined as: compliance
Synonyms: acquiescence, appeasement, assent, backdown, bowing, capitulation, cringing, defeatism, deference, >> docility <<, giving in, humbleness, humility, malleability, meekness, nonresistance, obedience, passivism, passivity, pliability, prostration, recreancy, resignation, servility, subjection, submissiveness, submitting, surrender, tractability, unassertiveness, yielding
Compliance.
Synonyms: acquiescence, amenability, assent, complaisance, concession, concurrence, conformity, consent, deference, >> docility << , obedience, observance, passivity, resignation, submission, submissiveness, tractability, yielding
Yielding.
Synonyms: acquiescent, biddable, compliant, >> docile <<, easy, flexible, humble, nonresistant, obedient, passive, pliable, pliant, resigned, submissive, tractable
Deference.
Synonyms: acquiescence, capitulation, complaisance, compliance, condescension, >> docility <<, obeisance, submission, yielding
Law Abiding.
Educated.
Domestic.
Ladylike.
Supportive.
Self Sacrificing.
Good Girl.
"Knows her place."
Follows God / Piety.
I think there are perhaps too many words for that action, and not one overarching one which seems to be generic and in current use and specific to women.
Ooh, here it gets interesting:
Main Entry: femininity
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: girlishness
Synonyms: delicacy, >> docility <<, effeminateness, feminality, femineity, feminineness, gentleness, kindness, muliebrity, softness, womanhood, womanliness
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006
eh
Submitted by enpen on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 11:27pm.I had the same initial reaction to Janet's word challenge: find a word, or make it up if necessary, to describe willful self-disempowerment by women. Self-efacement, self-canibalize, femouroborosia, etc. I then had a "duh" moment: it's a survival (thriving) mechanism in a culture of patriarchy. Mary Daly spent a considerable amount of academic effort exposing the vilification of feminine terms, not the least of which is "hag", a term often applied to powerful elder women who quit taking shit from men and their woman (womyn) hating society. So most people, when faced with the choice of being accepted and loved in society will choose the non-hag route. As a result? The loss of empowered women as cultural icons for the education of the next generation. This is a long road, Drew, but the sunset is behind us, not in front.
"Anybody who doesn't know that politics is crime has got a few screws loose."
my suggestion
Submitted by Crenshaw Sepulveda on Sun, 12/10/2006 - 11:19pm."I would make it impossible for the covetous and avaricious to utterly impoverish the poor. The rich can take care of themselves."
^@^
You guys are awesome
Submitted by jlw on Mon, 12/11/2006 - 12:01am.Still, manhating bitch that I am (just ask Olycop), I'm not satisfied. Yielding, docile, compliant, deferential, submissive, vilified hags -- those words describe what we (women) become. But what do we LOSE? That's what's on my mind right now. That's what I want a name for.
I think the best way to work this out, though, is face to face with a couple of six packs and a dictionary. Okay, and a laptop, too.
a word, maybe
Submitted by enpen on Mon, 12/11/2006 - 12:25am."Anybody who doesn't know that politics is crime has got a few screws loose."
I googled muliebralate
Submitted by jlw on Mon, 12/11/2006 - 8:12am."I rage. I melt. I burn." In these smoldering terms, Germaine Greer, the muliebral but mildly misogamist priestess of Women's Lib, announced in London's Sunday Times that she had fallen in love with an unidentified male. Elaborating on her feelings, she continued: "I also simper and maunder. I am no better than an imbecile. I have collapsed into gaping idiocy. Give me excess of it, that the appetite may sicken and so die. I am treacherous to my own sex."
Wow. Germaine. He must have been a very special guy.
holy cow
Submitted by enpen on Mon, 12/11/2006 - 10:35am.I didn't know the term misogamy prior to this thread. I'm going to have to begin using it regularly, as our society's current slant on marriage certainly has me feeling misogamist.
"Anybody who doesn't know that politics is crime has got a few screws loose."
oh yeah, the word
Submitted by enpen on Mon, 12/11/2006 - 10:49am.I added the suffix "-ate" which is "sometimes extended to denote a person who exercises such a function" in order to work in conjunction with the prefix "de-". As muliebrate is a word we stole from Latin those were the most apropos, I thought.
"Anybody who doesn't know that politics is crime has got a few screws loose."
Bro Ho?
Submitted by DrewHendricks on Mon, 12/11/2006 - 5:12pm.Though honestly I'd prefer six packs at the Island.
And make mine low octane...
"The greatest hoax played on the masses is that their individual voice is nothing amidst the cacophany of world events." - enpen, an Olyblogger (2006)
Real Courage
Submitted by Robert Whitlock on Sat, 12/09/2006 - 9:48pm.