O.O.P.S. 03/25/2007 (belated)--part 2

This advice may be offensive to some.

Subject: I'm sure you get this question all the time

He's a surly little fellow in spite of his festive garb. And he has been with me for so long that it is hard to remember what life was like before he appeared. He stands about two and half feet tall but struts around like he was a 6' 8" bully. And here's the deal: No matter where I go he accompanies me. And whenever I enter a public place, like a restaurant, or a shoe repair shop, a courtroom where I am serving as an expert witness, or even the restroom at a roadside rest stop, he heralds my entry by jumping in ahead of me and announcing in a loud monotone, "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present," and here his voice gets louder yet remains semi-bored, "THE SMORGASBOARD OF DELIGHT!"

The fact that he sounds like a frog who has been given the gift of speech makes the scene even more incongruous. Aside from his "Smorgasboard" introduction, he never speaks, except for an occasional grunt of disapproval. He is always at my side and sleeps in a wicker basket at the foot of my bed. I have never seen him use the bathroom or eat. But I have noticed there are no longer any rodent pests at my house since he showed up. He does not appear to enjoy his job of being my public presenter.I have the impression he is being employed by some twisted third person. So why do I put up with this? I am not what you would call an attractive person. Truth to tell, I am a bit flattered to have anyone call me "The Smorgasboard of Delight," even if it is a surly rodent-crunching grunting grotesque tiny man, and even if he does present my title in places like funerals and crowded elevators.

I guess I need him more than he needs me.

Is this an unhealthy situation? What should I do?

Sincerely, "Snoodle B. Clapsaddle" (not my real name)

Snoodle B. Clapsaddle,

Yes, we do get this question all the time; you are not alone.  Your champion is actually a masochistic tiny man.  So masochistic is he that even allowing himself to show enjoyment over his station of self-debasement would lessen his joy.  Rest assured, he does this for no compensation outside of this conspicuous pleasure.

Our concern for you with this situation is your obvious dependance.  We recognize that it feels good to be well introduced; however, your self-value must come from more than just four words.  Therefore, we recommend that every time this tiny little man steps out to obstreporously introduce you, you violently strike him down.  We realize that people do talk, and that you may quickly become known around town as "that guy who beats up his little friend."  Be strong, it will hurt you more than it hurts him.  
"A snoodle or snoodling is when two men go penis tip to tip and jack each other off in the over-hand manner. The first man to ejaculate into the others pee hole wins."

Hey man, are you gonna sign up for the snoodling tournament?

This party sucks, lets go snoodle.
          -The Dave

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